


I will make you believe you are lovely

by Moonlightgirlx



Category: Fall Out Boy, Panic! at the Disco, Twenty One Pilots
Genre: A lot of blushing, Alternate Universe - Teenagers, Angst, Anxiety, Cheating, Closeted, Eventual Smut, F/M, First Kiss, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, High School, Homophobic Language, I will add more tags as I go, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Insecure Tyler Joseph, M/M, Masturbation, Partying, Popular Josh Dun, Slow Burn, Summer Vacation, Underage Drinking, Underage Smoking, Virgin Tyler Joseph, Vomiting, Weed, be prepared for some angsty angst, hehe, i listened to kitchen sink and for some reason i got inspired to write this lol, im sorry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-25
Updated: 2019-01-08
Packaged: 2019-08-29 07:33:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 30,121
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16739767
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Moonlightgirlx/pseuds/Moonlightgirlx
Summary: Tyler is moving to a new house in a new town he hasn't been to before, where he knows nobody. But things changes quickly as he gets to know the boy living next door.(TW:s will be mentioned when it's necessary)





	1. Mocha eyes

It was a rainy day that day.

 

Rain could be beautiful. Think of a forest filled with majestic trees and moss, think about the raindrops dripping from the calming green leaves, the rain making such a powerful noise that your surroundings deafens and goes a bit blurry. It makes you forget about your struggles as the sound sooths your eardrums and creates a room where nothing but the pouring rain matters.

 

However, this day the rain wasn’t beautiful.

 

Tyler, a person who always saw a deeper meaning behind everything, thought of the falling droplets of water as a sign that all of this probably was a huge mistake. He could be overthinking because he wasn’t prepared for everything to change this quickly.

 

He and his family was moving to a new house in a city he had never been to before and it was indeed making him anxious, but at the same time hopeful. He hadn’t really had the greatest of times back in his hometown so maybe a change would help him get on better paths, but he had also learned after living for seventeen too many years that the chances of everything getting worse were just as big.

 

The decision to move was rather rushed as Tyler’s parents suddenly one day at the dining table told him and his other three siblings, Zach, Jay and Madison, about a house they had thought about buying. This house was placed in a smaller town, and the idea behind it all was to get away from all the stress from living in the capital city.

 

Both Zach, Jay and Madison immediately seemed to be upset about it for several reasons but Tyler just sat there on his chair full of thoughts stirring around in his brain. He felt some type of relief from getting to leave this hellhole behind him but at the same time, he began to worry about how he was going to start a new life in a new town with different people that didn’t know him at all. Not that many people knew him anyways, but it felt safe in some way to know that people already had an impression of him. Now he would have to start over again.

 

\---

 

The day had finally come, his summer break had started just a few days ago and the day when chapter one of his new life that probably wouldn’t change to anything better than his first one, was about to begin.

 

Sighing heavily, he leaned further back in his seat as he tried to focus on something else than the knot of anxiety in his stomach and his siblings’ arguing right next to him in the backseat of the car his dad was driving. Zach sat with headphones on in the extra seat they had put in in the back of the car so the whole family would fit, so Tyler didn’t mind him.

He closed his eyes as he heard his mom telling her annoying kids to shut up, or “quiet down a bit so their dad won’t crash the car”.

 

By the time they arrived to the new house, Tyler had fallen asleep with his right cheek pressed against the windowpane, drooling a bit. Jay and Madison had shut up after a while which made his nap possible, thank God.

 

He woke up by the sound of excited voices and car doors opening and slamming shut again. When he realized why he had woken up, he got a bit excited as well because he did want to know what the house looked like in real life. So far, he had only seen it on pictures.

 

He stepped out of the car and on to the wet sidewalk, the rain still pouring down but less aggressively. The sky was clouded and it looked like it would be chilly but the air was actually pretty warm, which made Tyler a bit confused.  

 

All the houses in the neighbourhood looked almost the same, apart from how everyone had decorated their front yards in their own ways: white facades, two floors that you could see from the outside (he also knew there would be a basement in his house so he guessed that all the other houses had one as well) and big back yards. It all looked pretty boring actually.

 

As Jay and Madison ran up to the house, with excited voices and already arguing about who would get which room, the others followed. But Tyler’s attention got caught by something else. He had landed his eyes on the boy who seemed to live in the house next to him. The boy looked to be in Tyler’s age and he had dark brown hair that was a curly mess on his head. If Tyler saw correctly, it looked like he had gauges in both of is earlobes.

 

Tyler caught himself staring when the boy looked up from the mailbox and waved at him a bit awkwardly. Tyler was too embarrassed from getting caught so he just gave away an awkward smile and almost ran after the other family members into the house. _Great, now your new neighbours thinks you’re a freak before you’ve even got to talk to them._

He walked through the front door and was welcomed by white clean walls and stacks of cardboard boxes. His youngest siblings were running up and down the stairs, squealing once one of them almost got caught by the other. His mother seemed to be rather pissed about this as he grabbed Jay, the youngest, by the waist and tore him away from Madison.

 

“Mooom, you promised that I would get the bigger room! Jay can’t have it, it’s unfair!” Madison complained with her arms crossed over her chest. Her mother sighed. Jay had quickly ran away when she had let him go from her grip.

 

“Maddy, I haven’t said that you won’t get it! You’re older so of course you’re getting the bigger one”

 

Madison immediately shone up as she heard what her mother had said and ran up the stairs again, yelling a “thank you mom!” after her.

 

Tyler was curious about the rooms as well, so he followed Madison up the stairs where all the bedrooms were. There was a long corridor with five doors leading to four bedrooms and a bathroom. At the end of the corridor there was an archway leading to what was supposed to be a kind of a lounge area.

 

He groaned as he realized there were only four bedrooms, which meant he and Zach would probably have to share once again. Just because they were the closest in age of the siblings, they always had to share on everything, which was super annoying in Tyler’s opinion.

 

“Mom, is Zach and I still sharing bedrooms?” he yelled from the top of the stairs. He hoped the answer would be no but he already knew it wouldn’t.

 

“Yes darling, that’s the way we had to do it for us all to fit” She answered. Tyler groaned loudly.

 

“But mom, why can’t Maddy and Jay share instead? Zach and I are older!” he complained, with a feeling that this would go nowhere anyway. He heard a distant ‘Exactly!’ from Zach who were somewhere else in the house.

 

“No arguing, this is how we had to do it and that is also how it’s going to be. Now come downstairs and help your dad and I to start unpack so we won’t have to live in a world full of cardboard boxes for the rest of our lives!”

 

Tyler sighed and walked downstairs to the living room that was empty besides from the cardboard boxes, a fireplace and some furniture such as couches and a coffee table.. He began unpacking the boxes with his parents, Zach also joining after a while.

 

\---

 

By the time they decided they were done for today, the time had already passed 7.30pm and he was starving. He heard his stomach growling. His mother chuckled.

 

“You hungry? It looks like the rain has calmed down so maybe you and Zach could take a ride on your bikes to the closest grocery store? I saw one on the ride here, it’s just a few blocks away so it won’t be hard to find. Your bikes are in the garage!”

 

Tyler shrugged. “Sure, why not. Zach, you coming?” he said as Zach grunted a ‘sure’ and followed Tyler out to the hallway and outside. It wasn’t raining anymore but there was big water puddles placed out on the road and the grass on their front yard was wet. The sky had cleared up so the sun that hung low made the water droplets in the grass glister by it’s warm shone. This is an example of how the rain could be beautiful. But he knew that it wasn’t, not really.

 

Zach opened the garage so they could wheel out their bikes and make their way to the grocery store. As their mother had said, it wasn’t hard to find so they arrived in just a couple minutes.

 

They parked their bikes outside and walked inside. It wasn’t a big shop, it was a local store owned by a private person. They took a basket and began walking through the shelves, grabbing stuff as they went. They ended up getting some pasta and ingredients for a bolognese and went to the checkout counter to pay.

 

What Tyler didn’t realize was that the boy he had an awkward encounter with earlier stood right in front of him in the line. As soon as he realized, he looked down at the checked white and black floor tiles, trying to ignore the fact that if the boy turned around and noticed him, it would get very awkward. He felt the panic inside his body start to build as he started to think about different scenarios that could happen. He must think Tyler is super weird for not even saying hello when he obviously knew that he was his neighbour. If the boy turned around and saw him trying to pretend he hadn’t seen him, he would die.

 

Sometimes he loved his little brother. But most of the time he didn’t, and this was one of those times.

 

“Oh hello there, I think I saw you by the house next to ours so I think we’re neighbours!” Zach said and poked the boy’s shoulder. Tyler wanted to punch him in the face right there, right then. The boy turned around and smiled when he saw Tyler. His eyes were dark brown, like mocha and a pair of dimples chiselled his slim cheeks. _Wow, that’s a pretty smile._

 

He heard Zach presenting himself and that’s when he realized it was his turn to do the same, so with his cheeks slightly tinted pink he shook himself out of his thoughts and reached out a hand for him to shake.

 

“Tyler” he said and smiled awkwardly.

 

The boy looked at him straight in the eyes with the eyes one could drown in. “Josh” he said let go of Tyler’s hand. “So you’re new here eh?” His gaze wandered between the brothers.

 

“Yeah, we just moved here today actually” Zach told him. Josh nodded.

 

“Fun, guess I´ll see you around then” he said and grinned as he paid for his stuff, a chocolate bar and some toilet paper. “But I have to go, so bye for now!” He waved and then left the store, and from what Tyler saw, he jumped in the passenger seat of a car someone else was driving. Zach gave him a goodbye back but Tyler didn’t think he heard it.

 

As they paid, Tyler glared at his brother. “Dude, was that really necessary?”

 

His brother gave him a questioning look. “What do you mean?” Tyler raised his eyebrows. “Oh come on, he’s our neighbour, why shouldn’t we talk to him? What’s you problem anyways?”

 

Tyler rolled his eyes and sighed, his cheeks still tinted with a shade of pink. “Whatever man, forget it”

 

Zach raised one eyebrow and shrugged. “Alright, then”

 

They then got their plastic bag with all their groceries and walked out of the store to sit up on their bikes to make their way home again.

 

\---

 

 By the time they got home the sun had begun to leave for the day, which painted the sky with pink and orange, giving the little neighbourhood some colour for once. Tyler shivered as it reminded him of stuff he didn’t want to think about. Not right now.

 

As his mother began to prepare the dinner, he went up to his and Zach’s new room and sprawled himself out on his bed. That was the only furniture that they had made it into their room so far, their beds.

 

He sighed and closed his eyes for a moment. He did a recap of the day that had almost passed and for some reason he felt something flutter in his stomach when he thought about _them._ The mocha eyes that belonged to the boy next door.


	2. Passionless af

”It was mom, she said that we’re going to the mall to have some breakfast, so I have to go” Debby said and smiled apologetically with her phone clutched in her hand.

 

Josh nodded and combed his fingers through his messy brown curls. “That sucks” he said as Debby got up from his tiny bed and turned around to look at Josh as if she was waiting for something. Then it clicked. “Oh yeah, I’ll walk you to the door.”

 

Debby smiled as he got up from the bed as well and walked up the stairs with her right behind him. He had to have his bedroom in the basement because otherwise, he would have to share bedrooms with one of his siblings, and that for sure wouldn’t work. But he didn’t complain because the basement was only one big room and he got the whole area for himself, and he could play as much drums as he wanted without anyone complaining.

 

When they got to the hallway, Debby put on her shoes and threw her heavy gym-bag full of clothes over her shoulder. She then took Josh hands in hers waved them a bit back and forth. Josh couldn’t help but giggle. She joined in, her round chocolate eyes looking back at him.

 

“Good morning love-birds, you slept well?” Josh turned around and saw his mother, only wearing a robe, leaning against the archway to the living room. “Oh Debby, are you leaving already? I could make some breakfast for you if you want” she said when she saw that Debby was ready to leave the house.

 

“Thank you Mrs. Dun but my mom called, I really have to go” Debby told her with the most polite voice she could make. Josh grinned. _She could be really cute sometimes._

“Alright love, tell Missy hello from me”

 

“Of course” she said and smiled. Then she looked up at Josh again. “Goodbye babe, I’ll text you”

 

“Alright, bye” Josh said and gave her a quick kiss on her full lips and waved as she walked out the door and closed it behind her.

 

“She’s a lovely girl, isn’t she?” Josh mom who hadn’t left yet said and smiled. “You’re a lucky man” She laughed as Josh rolled his eyes but smiled.

 

“Yeah sure, mom” he said and went downstairs to his bedroom again. It was when he had crashed down on his bed again that he realized how tired he actually was. It was just 9am and it had been a late night last night. He and Debby didn’t go to bed before 4am because of X-files marathon and yeah, other activities. That was a risk they had taken since the whole family was at home and they didn’t know if someone for some reason would come down to check on them. The risk of them hearing something wasn’t that big though, since they all slept two floors over him and the basement was rather sound-proof.

 

This girlfriend-thing was something a bit complicated to Josh. He and Debby had been together now for about a year and they have had a great time together. Josh thought she was one of the prettiest, kindest and smartest girls ever, but he had to admit it, the sparkle they once had, had begun to die down. The first six months of their relationship had been truly amazing, he had never been in love for real before and it was a new feeling that they got to experience together. They’ve learned so much from and about each other, and life had been on its highest point.

 

But that changed after a while and now they’re here, of course Josh still liked Debby a lot but not in the same way as before. He almost felt like they did the “couple-things” like kissing, cuddling and having sex just because they were supposed to, not because they _really_ wanted to. Or well, he didn’t exactly know how Debby felt about it but this was at least what it felt like for _him_.

 

He sighed as he took of the sweatpants he had put on just before following her girlfriend upstairs and buried himself down under his blanket in just his red boxers. Almost immediately, after he had closed his eyes his breaths got heavier as he slowly fell asleep again.

 

\---

 

“Josh! Wake up sleepyhead, it’s already 12.30pm and dad wants your help in the garden!” Josh’s younger sister Ashley yelled at him, waking him up from his sleep. He grunted and curled up even more under his blanket. Suddenly it was removed and he squealed as cold air washed over his bare skin. “Come on, he’s waiting!”

 

Josh groaned and gave her the finger without looking at her. She gasped and ran upstairs yelling: “Mom won’t be glad when she hears about what you just did!” after her. “Mooom!”

 

“Fuck off” he mumbled into his pillow as he was trying to find the energy to get out of bed. It was Saturday and he had no plans so far. He thought about maybe calling Brendon to see if he maybe wanted to hang out or he’ll just stay in bed all day, sleeping. But first he apparently had to help his dad out in the garden. His dad was very passionate about his gardening and wanted to share that with his family, which Josh didn’t exactly enjoy.

 

He reluctantly sat up in his bed and sighed. He stretched his arms and got up to put some clothes on: a pair of white gym-shorts and a black tank top. As he crossed his mirror he checked that his hair didn’t look to miserable and then went upstairs and out to the back yard of their house.

 

It was sunny and very hot and he felt himself already starting to sweat. That was a problem he had, he had always been sweating a lot. A real life struggle.

 

“Great Josh, come here and give me a hand” Josh’s dad called when he noticed him standing on the back porch. “I need some help with planting these new dahlias; they will make this garden look so much more alive”

 

Josh joined his dad and helped him plant the flowers. The grass was still a bit wet after the rain yesterday. He felt the material of his shirt start clinging against his back because of how sweaty he was, really, it was gross. He swept the back of his hand along his forehead in an attempt of getting rid of some of it, but it didn’t help much.

 

“Thank you son, now you’re free to go” his dad told him after about thirty minutes when they were done with planting the new flowers, and gave him a little pat on his shoulder. “Maybe you should go and take a shower before doing anything else today, seems like you need one” he teased and laughed as Josh jokingly looked offended.

 

“Not my fault, s’not like I _wanted_ to use all my body strength to plant some flowers when it’s like 90 degrees” he snapped back, still just joking. His dad just laughed.

 

“I’m sorry, go and have some fun now” he said and continued with his gardening, still with a smile on his lips.

 

“Thank you dad” Josh said and was just about to go inside again and take shower because yeah, his dad was right he didn’t look that fresh right now, when someone caught his attention.

 

The guy he had met at the grocery store yesterday was out in his back yard as well, sitting cross-legged on one of the couches on his back porch. The thing was that Josh wasn’t the one who had looked at the other first, in fact Tyler was already looking back at him. Josh smiled, he liked that guy.

 

“Hey! What’s up?” Josh called and waved. Their houses were only placed a few feet from each other so it wasn’t hard for him to see how the other boy’s face shifted in colour, to a more red shade. It was probably just because of the heat.

 

\---

 

Tyler stiffened as he saw Josh turning his head his way. _Fucking hell._ He had once again gotten caught staring at his neighbour and it was fricking embarrassing. He felt his cheeks heating up when Josh smiled and asked “what’s up”. He was caught a bit off guard but still answered.

 

“Oh hello, um nothing really” he lied as he put the book he was reading away from his sight. Maybe Josh would think that was uncool. “You?”

 

“Same here, I was just done helping my dad with the garden” he answered and pointed at his dad over his shoulder. It got quiet for a moment. “Enjoying the sun?”

 

“Nah not really, I prefer the cold actually” he said and stopped himself before saying something else that would make him look like more of a freak than what he already had made himself look like. He managed to not say what he was about to say but then, of course, he just _had_ to say something else that must’ve made him look like the biggest creep. “I see you must feel the same” he said and as he trailed his eyes over the guy’s sweaty body. Some of his curls had clung down to his forehead and there was a big sweat-patch on his clothed chest, darkening his black tank top even more. When he realized his mistake, he felt his face practically burn.

 

Josh laughed, which made his eyes crinkle and those sweet dimples show again. “Yeah you’re right, me and hot weather will never get along” he said as he swept his hand over his forehead. Tyler laughed along, just a bit more awkwardly. “Want to come over? I have no plans for today anyways so”

 

Tyler immediately felt a bit happier. Was he about to make a new friend? “Yeah sure, why not?” he said and smiled. Josh grinned.

 

“Great, how about in 10 minutes? I just have to take a quick shower; don’t want to smell bad y’know”

 

“Sure, see you soon then” Tyler said and huffed out a laugh as Josh made a salute gesture and went inside his house.

 

Excitement rushed through his body as he jumped out of his seat and walked inside. He then just happened to bump right into his mother. She looked a bit confused, seeing Tyler this happy.

 

“What’s going on, hun?” she asked, turning around and watching Tyler as he crossed her and walked into the hallway.

 

“Oh, I’m going to the neighbours next door, Josh asked me if I wanted to come over” he answered, then realizing he hadn’t told her about the boy he had presented himself to last evening. “He lives there, I think he’s about the same age as I am”

 

His mom looked almost shocked from this announcement, but Tyler understood why. He almost never hung out with people in their previous town so this was something rare. “That’s amazing sweetie! It’s lovely that you’re making friends, I’m so proud of you!” She said happily and ran up to Tyler to give him a tight hug and kiss him on the cheek. He violently tried to get out of her grip, and when he managed to his mother just laughed.

 

“Okay okay mom, you don’t have to choke me” he said and rolled his eyes. She smiled. “You’re making me feel even more like a loser who doesn’t have friends so just let me go”

 

“Alright darling, I’m sorry. I’ll call you when dinner is ready!” she said and waved as she walked outside to the back yard where she was supposed to go before Tyler had interrupted her.

 

Tyler sighed but couldn’t help but smile to himself. It was kind of her to care so much about him but it could get pretty annoying sometimes. He was seventeen years old after all, he could take care of himself!

 

He stood by the mirror they had put up in the hallway and checked his appearance. He combed his finger through his hair and styled it, making sure he had no strands of hair that stuck out in the wrong direction. He then looked down at his clothes; right now he was wearing a pair of denim knee-long shorts and a red t-shirt with some random print on. That would have to do.

 

Suddenly a wave of anxiety washed over him and formed a knot in his stomach. _What if I mess up? What if I say something stupid that’ll make him think I’m weird? What if I’m too boring for him?_ Questions like these started to pop up in his head and made him feel almost sick. Maybe he should back out and tell him that something else came around.

 

Tyler tried to shake off those thoughts as he looked at the watch and saw that it had been about 10 minutes since Josh had told him to come over in 10 minutes. He took a deep breath and decided to put on his sandals and then walked through the door to then find himself standing on the front porch to the house next to his.

 

\---

 

Josh was just drying off his hair with a towel as he heard the door-bell go off. He dropped the towel and quickly put some clothes on to go open for Tyler but his sister Abigail was the fastest. He heard the door open and a muffled hi from the boy. As soon as he had put his shirt on, he jogged out of the bathroom and into the hallway to be greeted by the tanned boy with brown fluffy hair and dark brown eyes. They immediately got eye-contact. Josh smiled.

 

“Hey dude, come in” he said and made a gesture to make his message clearer. “Just take off your shoes and join me downstairs.” He looked at Tyler over his shoulder as he made his way downstairs, soon followed by him.

 

His room looked like any teenager’s room, the walls were filled with bands -and movie posters and his dirty laundry was thrown all over the room. Nothing special really, maybe a little too messy to have guests there, but w _hatever._

 

“I’m sorry for the mess, but I’m lazy” Josh apologized as he jumped down into his big couch he had in the corner of the room, a TV standing in front of it on a coffin, which worked as a TV-bench. He looked up at Tyler from the couch and saw him standing awkwardly by the end of the stairs. Josh bit his lip, he didn’t want this to get awkward. “So tell me about yourself”

 

Tyler squinted his eyes in disbelief and huffed out a laugh. “Seriously? If this how we’re gonna do it so sure” Josh laughed and shrugged as he watched Tyler go to sit on his desk-chair. “Well I'm Tyler, I grew up in Columbus and has always lived there until now. That place sucked so I’m not fully complaining but yeah”

 

Josh couldn’t help but wonder why the guy all off a sudden looked a bit anxious, as if he had said something he shouldn’t have said. He felt a little bad for him so he didn’t ask anything more about it, he just nodded and decided to move on.

 

“Alright, so what are you passionate about?” He smirked when he saw Tyler’s facial expression.

 

“What question is that even?” Tyler laughed, dimples showing on both of his rosy cheeks. “How do I know?”

 

“Dude” he said as he rolled his eyes, still smirking “And I think that question is totally acceptable!”

 

Tyler raised his eyebrows as he crossed his arms and leaned back into the chair. “Well what are you passionate about then?”

 

“My drums, no doubt” he said and nodded his head at the drum set in the opposite corner of the room. Tyler turned around to follow his gaze “I’ve been playing since I was like twelve so it has only been for about four or five years. I’m not that good at it but I do love it”

 

Tyler pouted and nodded. “Sounds fun” he said and looked back at Josh. “So what do you want to do?”

 

“Now? I want to know more about you! Or am I intruding?” he teased. “If you think I’m annoying just tell me and I’ll leave”

 

“Dude it’s your house, already forgotten ‘bout that?” Tyler said, laughing. Josh joined in, throwing his head back.

 

“Shit, you’re right” he said and face-palmed, body still shaking in laughter. Wow, he really could be stupid sometimes. “Well no joke though, I want to get to know you, you’re fun.”

 

He didn’t think much about what he just said but apparently Tyler did because he was blushing, or that was at least what it looked like since his whole face turned red. That was very cute. _What the hell Josh?_

Josh, a little embarrassed because of his thoughts, stuttered a bit as he explained, “Y’know, you seem like a nice guy, so yeah.” He was still a bit too embarrassed to look Tyler in the eyes so his gaze landed on his video games console instead. It’s weird how you can feel someone looking at you, and Josh knew by not even looking at him that he did and that a wide smile crossed his flushed little face. Josh bit his lip and looked up again at an indeed very much smiling Tyler. “Want to have you’re ass kicked in a round of super smash bros?”

 

Tyler’s eyebrows shot up. “You really think you’ll beat me bro? Man, I’m up for a competition” he said and got up from the chair and sat down next to Josh in the couch. “What are you waiting for?”

 

Josh laughed and shook his head as he put the TV on and got the video game ready. They played one round, which turned out to three, seven, fifteen. They played for hours and it never got boring, much to Tyler’s favour. By the end, Josh’s cheeks were hurting from laughing and smiling so much at Tyler’s stupid jokes. The amazing thing was that there wasn’t a moment where it got awkward or a little bit stiff, their conversations flew by smoothly and Josh felt pretty happy about that. He liked Tyler, he was genuinely kind and he had the same dorky humour as he had.

 

Suddenly Tyler’s phone went off, making them both jump. He sighed and picked it up, answering it.

 

“Hello mom. Yeah. Alright. Okay. Mhm. See ya, bye.” He sighed heavily as he hung up. “Mom called, dinner is ready so I got to go” he said and got up from the couch.

 

“Already?” Josh asked and looked over at the watch, which was hanging on the wall. They had been hanging out for about five hours, _where the heck did the time go?_

“Yeah” Tyler answered and shifted a bit. “So I guess I’ll go then” he said with a humorous tone.

 

“Alright, I’ll follow you to the door” Josh said and got up from the couch as well.

 

“What a gentleman” Tyler said and smirked. Josh couldn’t help but notice the pink tint on the boy’s both cheeks.

 

He giggled. “Always”

 

They both went up the stairs and into the hallway. Tyler put his sandals on and was just about to open the door and have their goodbyes when Josh stopped him. “Wait” he said. “Can I have your number first? So we can like y’know, text and stuff?”

 

Now it was Josh’s turn to blush. _Goddammit._

 

“ _And stuff?_ ” Tyler said, teasingly.

 

Josh rolled his eyes. “Bro, you know what I mean.” Tyler laughed and handed him his phone.

 

“Yeah I know, take mine and put yourself in the contacts and I’ll put mine in yours”

 

They took each other’s phones, typed in their numbers and then handed them back. Tyler smiled. Josh smiled back.

 

“Well good bye I guess” Tyler said.

 

“Yeah bye” Josh said. “See you another time.”

 

Tyler opened the door and turned around to do a quick wave with his hand and then stepped outside and closed the door behind himself.

 

With a happy and content feeling in his gut, Josh walked downstairs again and sat down on his bed. He reached for his phone in his pocket and opened the contacts. He looked at the new number that belonged to “ _Passionless af_ ”. He couldn’t help but smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! :)
> 
> I hope you liked this new chapter, I really enjoyed writing it :p
> 
> Please leave kudos if you're kind <33 And comments are appreciated, I really want to know your thoughts or suggestions for future chapters, and if you have any critique so I can improve :) <3


	3. Surrounded by silence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tiny TW: anxiety attacks, vomiting (nothing explicit though)

Tyler and his family sat around the big table which they’d got into the dining area after the move. The metallic scraping-sound from knives against porcelain made Tyler cringe a bit. His mom had tried to make food that was more variated recently and to include more vegetables, which only resulted in more left overs. The cooked vegetables weren’t even touched by any of the kids in the family, they’d just brushed them to the side of their plates and left them there. He saw his dad at the end of the table trying to make Jay eat one of his peppers, but he strongly refused by crossing his arms and sliding further down on his chair.

 

“If you eat this pepper you’ll be free to leave the table” he told him. He seemed to be very mad at this point. “But only if you eat the pepper”

 

“No!” he said with a determined voice. His dad sighed.

 

Tyler wasn’t that hungry so his plate with rice, fried chicken and cooked vegetables was barely touched as well. His stomach was filled with something else, but he couldn’t exactly point it out. It couldn’t be something bad though because it felt good. It made him feel all bubbly and happy but at the same time as it felt great, he also wanted to vomit, so he didn’t dare to eat his cooked broccolis. He hoped his mother wouldn’t be too mad about it.

 

“So Tyler, I heard you interacted with the neighbour kid today?” his dad asked after he had given up with making his son eat his vegetables. Tyler zoned back to the dinner conversation again as he snapped his head up to look at his dad. He didn’t know why, but he felt himself blush. Not much but he felt his ears itch and cheeks heat up. Everyone’s attention was now directed towards him.

 

“Uh, yeah, he sort of invited me to his place” he answered as he saw his parents look at each other, smiling. He also saw Zach smirking into his plate. _That little shit._

 

“Cool, what’s his name again?” his dad asked. He couldn’t remember he had told him about Josh yet but alright.

 

“Josh” Tyler answered. He hated himself for it but a huge grin broke out on his face. He tried to hold it back but he failed. Zach was now trying to hold in a laugh by pressing the back of his hand against his lips and Tyler wanted to tell him to shut the fuck up. He didn’t though.

 

“It’s very good that you are making friends, Ty” his mom told him once again and smiled. Tyler pursed his lips into a straight line and looked down to his plate. An agreeing hum was heard from his dad. Nobody pushed the conversation further so it went silent for a moment, only the noise of scraping cutlery and chewing was heard.

 

 

When they were done eating, Tyler went up the stairs and into his and Zach’s bedroom. The time was only 6pm so it was too early to go to bed so he sat down by his desk they now had put into the room. They’d actually made both their desk, a chair, and their closet into the room now. Tyler had also started decorating a bit with posters and stuff like that, he didn’t want to live in prison cell.

 

He decided that he wanted to write a bit. He needed to write down his thoughts that were flooding around in his brain, trying to make everything a little bit more clear.

The pen he was now holding began to move on his paper, forming words that made sense to him but for an observer wouldn’t. Nothing made sense but he liked it a bit, it was like he was keeping a secret, like he was speaking a language no one else understood except for him.

 

It got more intense, his hand happened to smudge out the letters as he went. Then he realized the pen’s point had broken off and that he had forgotten to breath for a second. He felt a bit dizzy as he got up from the chair and went to sit down on his bed instead, leaning his back against the headboard, the silence surrounding him. He felt a bit empty, but that didn’t help him from not thinking about it. The fact that he was _empty._

 

This was something he did pretty often, just closing his eyes and trying to make some sense of what he was thinking. At the same time, he hated doing that. Overthinking was a skill Tyler had qualified and for the most part, it wasn’t to his advantage. Sometimes he could be lying in bed at night for hours, just reflecting and making up scenarios in his head, and then getting no sleep. At one point in his life, it had escalated and he started going to a therapist. Well, he refused to at first but his parents demanded him to and since he wasn’t of age yet, he had no choice. The therapist told him that thinking was good but only on a reasonable level. If you start crossing that level, it could get really dangerous and uncontrollable, making it more difficult to settle down and make some sense. But of course Tyler didn’t really let her message get to him, as stubborn as he was. He kept getting no sleep at night, which led to him almost failing tenth grade. Sometimes he fell asleep in classes and not realizing before the teacher yelled at him for it and when he came home, he had no energy left in his body or brain to study or do his homework.

 

But school was something he couldn’t care less about, he hated school anyways. The corridors, the classrooms, the teachers, the students, it all made him feel sick. School made him think. And he hated thinking but since he was so good at it, he couldn’t help but do it. And this was the problem. He was thinking too much.

This all was just a vicious circle that just became bigger and bigger until the breaking point. It had been two years now.

 

All the happiness that had been stirring around his stomach earlier was long gone, and was replaced by the now common knot that always appeared once his brain decided that it was a good time for him to feel like shit.

 

There was a wall in front of him, painted white with tiny little cracks in it. The paint was also failing a bit; there was one spot where you could see the grey rough cement through it, a white thin see-through layer covering, trying to disguise it.

 

Tyler was staring at the wall, at the cracks, the see-through layer of paint. His eyes trailed along them, up and down, studying how they got both thicker and thinner, how some of the paint had tried to cover them up in some places but failing. Suddenly for some reason, he _had_ to touch it, the crack that was running from the bottom-left corner and up towards the ceiling.

 

He crawled forwards until he was sitting by the end of the bed. There was some space between the wall and the bed but there was enough for him to be able to reach out and drag his index-finger along the specific crack he had studied. It felt weirdly good but at the same time too real and intimate. It was like if he was touching someone’s weak spot, the thing they were holding on for its dear life but still wanted someone to know. More concrete, it was like touching a fresh bleeding scar, the owner would flinch and it would sting, but then it wouldn’t hurt anymore and the pain would fade away.

 

Tyler hated it, so he let his arm and index-finger fall to his side again. He was panicking a little bit, his heart was beating faster than it normally should’ve. He took a shaky breath and raised his hand again to take a look at the index-finger he had touched the crack with. He inspected it a bit and then hunched over, his head in his knees with a tight grip around his right hand. He felt himself shaking and he didn’t realize that he was crying before he felt a drop of something wet and warm land on his arm.

 

His therapist had told him it was okay to cry. She had told him that crying is something you do when you’ve been fighting and been strong. She told him that he had been strong for battling his inner demons and that he deserved to cry. Tyler didn’t agree though. To say to someone he deserves to cry is pure evilness, and it shall not be something you say to someone for that person to feel better about themselves. Crying is a sign of being defeated and therefore is something you should avoid. To be strong is to have won the battle. Not the opposite.

 

Apparently, Tyler fell asleep. He wasn’t even that tired and for him to fall asleep during the state he was in was very odd. But there he was, laying on his back on top of the covers with his clothes still on, sleeping. One single tear was still running down his cheek, until it disappeared.

 

\---

 

Suddenly he woke up by the sound of his phone dinging, like someone was spam-texting him. He still felt a little low after the anxiety attack he just had passed through. He didn’t like to call it so but well, that was what it was.

 

With a frown on his face and dried tears on his cheeks, he got up from the bed and went to his desk where he had put the phone. The lock screen was open and he saw that it was already 10.30pm. Had he slept for that long? He looked at who it was who had been texting him and read that he had twelwe new messages from the contact “ _Josh Dun_ ”.

 

The calming feeling he had had in his gut earlier today came back and made itself at home. The knot that had been there for a while now had dissolved. His heart began to feel a little bit lighter as he double tapped the icon and locked up his phone to read the messages.

 

 **From Josh:** _Heeeeyyyy_

 

 **From Josh:** _Whatssuppp!!_

 

 **From Josh:** _Broo i thgonk i a bit drunjkk_

**From Josh** _: brendons like i donrt eveen know mannn_

**From Josh:** _are u drunkk?_

 

 **From Josh:** _Cause i fucjking am bro_

 

 **From Josh:** _im fujcing wasted man_

 

 **From Josh:** _hahahgsahhaga_

**From Josh:** _ure so funnty tylerrrr_

**From Josh:** _Talk to mee tyleeeer_

 

 **From Josh:** _Nvmm I gtg brendons callin_

**From Josh:** _Coemm meet us tyler!!!!!!_

Tyler snorted and grinned so hard his cheeks where hurting. He couldn’t believe it, Josh Dun was drunk texting him. So he was drinking, like the cool people that he was slightly terrified of used to do at his old school. Were Josh one of those people?

 

 **To Josh:** _Sorry, it’s late hahah_

 

 **To Josh:** _Everything’s ok?_

 

Just as he had sent his last message, the three buttons showed up which meant Josh were typing.

 

 **From Josh:** _im outside duddde_

At first, Tyler didn’t get what he meant but when he realized, he ran to his window that was showing the street outside of his house. He didn’t really see them at first but when he did, he got a little bit stressed out. There he was, the boy with curly brown hair and mocha eyes along with four other people, three boys and one girl. Josh had his arm slung over one of the guy’s shoulders and seemed to be hysterically laughing. One of the other dudes were swinging a suspicious plastic-bag back and forth in his hand. His house wasn’t completely sound proof so he could hear their enthusiastic chattering.

 

Tyler was a little bit worried that his parents would see them since they now knew he had been hanging out with Josh and he didn’t know if they would go out to talk to them so they would get home safely, and then Josh would have to reveal where he lived and then they would know that Tyler had made a friend that was out _drinking,_ going to _parties._ Maybe his parents wouldn’t let him hang out with him anymore then.

 

He contemplated if he maybe should sneak out himself and try to make them get out of there or go home but before he had time to decide, Josh was looking up at him through the window. When he noticed Tyler, his whole face lit up and he began jumping and waving like an idiot at Tyler. And as if it couldn’t get worse, he began calling his name. _Fuck._

Quickly, but at the same time as quiet as he could, he sprinted out of his room and down the stairs, putting his sandals on and carefully opening the front door and then closing it behind him. He didn’t even have time for checking his appearance, he probably looked awful.

 

The night was dark, the only source of light coming from the few streetlights and the stars that lit up the dark night sky. The air had cooled down a bit as well, making some goose bumps appear on his naked arms.

 

Before he got to think any longer he heard the group chanting on him. He looked to his left and saw Josh waving at him to come, still leaning against the other taller guy. He couldn’t help but giggle at how ridiculous this was as he began walking towards the group.

 

“Ayyy Tylerrr my maaan” Josh slurred drunkenly as he left the tall dude’s side to join Tyler instead. He threw an arm over his shoulders. The sudden contact made Tyler a bit surprised and he almost tripped over because of the added weight that Josh contributed with.

 

“Wow, Josh you’re drunk” Tyler said when he got his balance back but still hunching over a bit because of Josh. Tyler was thin in comparison to him so it wasn’t that weird. He slid his arm around Josh waist and gripped him at his side to make them a bit steadier. His palms immediately became sweaty. Josh laughed and the others joined in, and that’s when he realized he didn’t know how to act around intoxicated people. He’d never even touched alcohol before so couldn’t really understand how they all felt right now. But he had seen it in movies and yeah, this is kind of similar to what it looked like in them.

 

Then the taller dude who had a dark brown quiff approached him. “Brendon” he said and reached out his hand. “Tyler” he said and shook the hand. He did the same with other three, whose names were Ryan, Patrick and Debby. They all seemed to be at least a bit clearer in their heads than Josh were right now.

 

“So you know each other?” Brendon asked and nodded at Josh.

 

“Yeah, we’re neighbours” Tyler answered as he felt himself warm up a bit because of the body that was clinging onto him. “We only met today actually.” When he realized that it was today they had been sitting in Josh’s couch in his bedroom and playing video games, a laugh was pulled out of him.

 

“Dude! And he’s like already this attached to you, not even I get to cuddle with him like that and we’ve been best friends for like what, seven years or something!”

 

“Excuse me, I’m the only one here who gets to cuddle with him!” Debby said in offense to what Brendon just said.

“The agreement was that I get the cuddles and you get the dick” he said and boomed out a laugh when he saw Debby’s disgusted expression. Ryan and Patrick joined in while Josh didn’t seem to understand what was even going on. Tyler felt himself blush at the mention of dicks, which made the situation very embarrassing. Was this what normal people talked about?

 

“What the fuck Brendon, you’re disgusting” Debby said and rolled her eyes. “You’re just like this because you don’t get any yourself.” Ryan and Patrick whistled at her come-back and continued laughing. He felt Josh shaking a bit against his side, which meant he was laughing as well.

 

Brendon smirked, not seeming to be offended by her comment. “Well actually-”

 

“NOPE, keep your stories about your hook-ups for yourself dude” Debby cut him off and Brendon was laughing again. Tyler himself was a bit taken aback, this was the first time he had heard guy admit that he liked other dudes. But he moved on.

 

“So you two are together, you and Josh?” Tyler couldn’t help himself but wonder, he just had to know. When everyone’s eyes were on him, his blush deepened for some reason.

 

“Yeah for little more than a year now, we had our anniversary in May.” Her eyes were glowing as she spoke, then she smiled, looking at the miserable boy who were holding on to Tyler. For some reason, that glister in Debby’s eyes made him feel a bit sick. But not as sick as Josh probably felt right now, based of his next statement:

 

“I gotta puuuke” he slurred and gulped. _Oh fuck._ He leaned forward and Tyler was lucky enough to get away from his grip just in time so he didn’t get all of the guy’s insides on his shoes. The others did the same and a stream of “ _eww_ ” and “ _dude what the hell_ ” followed.

 

“Shit dude, you need help?” Tyler offered but Josh didn’t get to answer since another stream of vomit splashed down on to the ground. Tyler wrinkled his nose in disgust, but since he, compared to Josh’s other friends, didn’t mind that much, he decided he was going to take care of this. “Guys you can go, I’ll help him home since we both live here on the same street, making it easier for you.”

 

They all thanked him and said goodbye to the both of them, then they walked off to the opposite direction that Tyler and Josh were heading for.

 

“I’m sorry bro” Josh said with a guilty voice as they walked towards Josh’s house. Tyler had reconnected his hand by the dude’s waist because he was still a bit shaky on his legs. He needed some support and Tyler was willing to give him that.

 

He laughed. “It’s okay man, let me take care of you now.” Josh snorted and that’s when Tyler realized how wrong that sounded. The blush appeared again, but luckily Josh was way too busy with focusing on not to puke again so he didn’t notice how red Tyler’s face got.

 

When they got to Josh house, he handed Tyler his keys so he could he could lock up the door. Tyler didn’t know if his parents was home and how they would react if they saw them. Would they act chill about this or were they more strict?

 

He didn’t want to take any risks so he carefully unlocked the door so they could make their way inside. Josh then slumped down on the floor and Tyler tried to hold in his laugh but he failed. He made an “ouch” noise and groaned. Tyler shook his head.

 

“Need help with taking these off?” Tyler asked Josh when he saw that he was struggling with taking his shoes off. He pointed at his Vans.

 

“Please” Josh said with a defeated voice. Tyler grinned and crouched in front of the dude’s feet. After he had undone his shoelaces, he dragged the shoes off his feet. Josh mumbled a “thank you” as Tyler was helping him up on his feet again. Then they went downstairs to the basement and Josh’s bedroom. Tyler helped him to get to his bed and as soon as Josh sat down, he groaned and hit his back into the mattress.

 

Tyler didn’t mean to but since Josh’s shirt had ridden up at bit, his eyes were now fixated on the little area of exposed skin on his lower stomach. He noticed the hair that was trailing downwards under his belt, and he couldn’t help but notice how skinny his black skinny jeans were. For some reason, his stomach made a flip.

 

“Tylerrr, I’m gonna dieee” he heard Josh groan, ripping him out of his thoughts. Tyler laughed again. He felt a little breathless, but he didn’t know why.

 

“No you’re not, do you need some water or something?” Just because he’d never experienced being drunk didn’t mean that he hadn’t read about it. Just in case, you know.

 

“No m’tired” he said, still sprawled out on his back on his unmade bed. “Wanna sleep, you’re sleeping here?” Josh asked and looked up at Tyler.

 

“Oh uhm” he wasn’t prepared for that question to come. “Uh I think, no I have to go I think. My parents will be worrying, like if they see that I’m not home in the morning, I wouldn’t be surprised if they called the police to go search for me” he said and snorted. Josh laughed a deep vibrating sound that went right through his spine.

 

“Okay, see ya Ty”, he said, making Tyler surprised. No one besides his parents called him that.

 

He grinned. “Yeah, bye” Tyler said. “Hope you’ll feel better tomorrow.” Josh smiled.

 

“I’ll text you” he said and waved at Tyler. Tyler waved back as he went up the stairs again, leaving the poor boy alone. He sighed as he once again carefully opened the door and walked out into the chilly night.

 

He heard the noise of crickets, making the silence even more apparent. This time it was a beautiful calming silence, it was surrounding him and assured him that things were all right and it would continue to be that too. Tyler felt happy and relaxed as he went home again. He thought that after all the turbulence that this day had given him, he wouldn’t be able to sleep, but strangely enough he fell into a long good night sleep, probably dreaming of something weird, illogical. Just as all dreams ever was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey :)
> 
> Thank you all so much for reading this and leaving kudos and comments, you're all so amazing ily <333
> 
> Stay tuned for the next update :)
> 
> ps: I didn't control read this before posting so bare with me if there are any spelling or grammar mistakes hahah


	4. Regrets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ;)

It was the growing headache that woke Josh up the next morning. He groaned as he rubbed his palms against his eyes, memories from last night hitting him. There had been a party at Pete’s house, which Josh and his friends had been to. From what he had remembered, it had been really fun, but after a some rounds of beer pong and vodka shots the memories had gone a bit a blurry. One thing he remembered though was that they for some reason met up with Tyler, and that he barfed in front of him. The hungover anxiety hit him hard and _oh my god_ _this is fucking embarrassing. I hadn’t even known him for 24 hours yet!_

He rolled over in his bed onto his stomach so his face was facing down into his pillow. Then he realized Tyler had helped him home as well, poor guy. _Why am I like this? And why was Tyler even there to help me in the first place?_ Josh got really confused, why the hell had Tyler of all people joined them last night? Was he at the party yesterday as well? No he couldn’t have been, Josh would have noticed. Like hell yeah, _I would have noticed._

Josh quickly sat up in his bed as he realized what he had been thinking about. That was a mistake though because the headache immediately got worse, his forehead was pulsating. But that wasn’t the main problem here, why would he had noticed Tyler at the party? The house was full because, well, it was at Pete’s and since he was pretty drunk he didn’t remember much anyways. Tyler also looked like any other guy so he wasn’t one that stood out a lot, brown hair, brown eyes, tan slim body, full pink lips…

 

He sighed and decided that a shower may would help him feel less like shit. The water was cold against his warm skin and made him shiver a bit. It made him feel a little better though since the mixed smell of sweat, cologne and hard liquor now was gone, replaced by something blossomy.

 

With only a towel wrapped around his waist, he went out to the kitchen to grab some painkillers. He swallowed two pills and walked into the living room to join his mother and Abigail who sat and watched the TV.

 

“Good morning”, he said and slouched down at the end of the couch, focusing on the news on the screen.

 

“Good morning” his mother answered. “You’re nudist now, I see.”

 

He looked at his mother that was now laughing along with his little sister. Josh just rolled his eyes at them. He actually preferred having as little clothing on as possible, he always got too hot. Less clothes equals less sweatiness and more comfort, in his opinion. But a nudist, _hell no._ Their laughs actually made him smile a bit, he couldn’t help it.

 

“So when did you come home last night? Weren’t you supposed to sleep at Brendon’s? We didn’t notice you at first but then your dad saw your shoes in the hallway” his mother then asked with a little more strict tone. She knew by now that when Josh were lying about his ‘sleepovers’, he meant that he was at a party getting drunk or stoned as fuck. Those nights did for the most part end up with a ride home or with his head down in a toilet. He tried his best to come up with yet another lie.

 

“Uhh, plans were changed because uhm, Brendon remembered he had to wake up early today because y’know… family gathering? So I went home a bit later ‘cause yeah, I need to sleep until at least ten.” That was a bad lie.

 

“Alright Joshua, you’ll pass this time but if I see this happening _one more time_ we’ll have to come up with some sort of restriction.” Josh nodded and pursed his lips. He didn’t dare to look at her in case she could read minds or something. You know, moms. “What are your plans today then? Do not say that you’re just going to hide in that little cave of yours all day”

 

“Well, I have no plans so” he mumbled quietly. His mom was already bitter at him. “Don’t worry, I’ll probably figure something out”.

 

“You better, the weather is lovely today”

 

 

As suspected, Josh spent the following few hours down in his room, drumming a little and playing some video games. He didn’t have much energy left in his body from last night so he didn’t expect himself to do something actually worthy today.

 

He was scrolling through Instagram when he got to think about the neighbour kid again. He didn’t exactly know why he came to mind again but now he was wondering if he maybe had an Instagram account to lazily scroll through. He typed “Tyler” into the search bar, but when the results only were famous people or other Tylers at his school, he realized he didn’t know the guy’s last name. He didn’t know where the desperation came from, but he felt like he really needed to know this.

 

So he looked it up by searching for his address, telling himself that _no you’re not a stalker, it’s nothing weird about wanting to know what someone’s name is,_ just to make himself feel a little bit better about it. “ _Tyler Robert Joseph”_ a website told him _. That’s cute._

He typed Tyler Joseph into the search bar and an account with 26 followers, no photos and a profile picture of a sunset showed up. He sighed, he could by no means know if this was Tyler or not but he decided to follow anyways, just to see if he would follow back or not. And he did after just a few minutes. Josh smiled to himself, he knew he was being pathetic.

 

That’s when he got a text from “ _Brendy_ ”. He tapped the icon and read it.

 

**From Brendon:** _Yo whatsup? Wanna hang out?_

 

Josh contemplated it, he was really tired and the headache wasn’t completely gone yet, but his next texts made him sure of his decision.

 

**From Brendon:** _I need to tell you what happened after you left last night_

 

**From Brendon:** _Spoiler: Ross was included_

**To Brendon:** _The usual place in 10 mins?_

**From Brendon:** _Perf, see ya_

Josh put on the pair of gym shorts he wore yesterday and another tank top, and went up the stairs. As he put on his shoes, his mother came into the hallway. She had her arms crossed.

 

“So where are you going?”

 

“I’m just meeting up with Brendon” he said before he got to think. His mother gave him a suspicious look.

 

“Wasn’t he at a family gathering?”

 

Josh scratched his neck “Oh um, he just came home so”

 

He could see that she didn’t believe him for a second but she dropped it and told him to have fun and to come home by a reasonable time. He told her goodbye and went outside to jump up on his bike and ride away to his destination.

 

 

When he arrived at the little patch of grass, next to the lake and the sparse forest, he saw Brendon already sitting down on his butt by the bigger tree closer to the water. His bike was leaning against the tree and he was looking down to his phone so he didn’t notice Josh before he said “Hey Bren” and waved. He looked up and smiled as he raised to his feet to hug his best friend when he came closer. Josh leaned his bike against the tree as well and then sat down with Brendon.

 

“So what’s the deal bro?” Josh asked, he was very curious.

 

“What?” Brendon teased and grinned. Josh rolled his eyes.

 

“Oh come on, stop being an ass.” Brendon laughed. “What about last night and Ryan?”

 

Brendon smirked and looked away. “He’s totally into me”

 

Josh snorted. He thought this was unfair, he wanted more information. “Bro! How d’you know?” Brendon looked back at him, still smirking.

 

“Well, let’s put it like this” he began and took a breath. “We did some PG 13, it wasn’t as you think so don’t look at me like that” Josh couldn’t help but laugh. “We almost did _it,_ but since we both were drunk we decided not to”

 

“Dude, you can’t just tell me this and skip all the important stuff!” Josh said playfully. Brendon threw his head back as he laughed.

 

“Like what, his dick size? I told you we didn’t go that far!”

 

Josh groaned but smiled, that was not the type of details he was curious about. “No tell me what happened, how, why, when?!”

 

The sun was high on the sky, making the temperature about 90 degrees today as well. Luckily the tree they sat by made a shadow so they did at least not get sun burnt. Even though it was so hot outside, a soft breeze was there to make it at least a bit more bearable, which Josh highly appreciated. As known, he wasn’t all about hot weather.

He listened to Brendon’s story and reacted as he was supposed to: with laughter, shocked faces and questions. He seemed to be really happy and Josh was glad, he loved to see his best friend happy. But there was a thing he wanted to know that he couldn’t stop thinking about. Brendon had been with him all night until he had gone home so he must’ve known if Tyler had been there as well. He _had_ to know, it was gnawing on him.

 

He didn’t realize until Brendon told him, that he had zoned out for a bit. “Dude, what’s up? You just zoned out”

 

Josh got a bit surprised and he felt his cheeks heat up. _Oh my god why._ “Huh? Oh sorry, I’m just tired, it was a lot yesterday after all.”

 

Brendon chuckled. “Yeah, bro you were out of it! You should’ve seen yourself before we left, I’ve never seen you like that before and I’ve known you for a _long_ time dude.” Josh groaned again and buried his face in his palms. He didn’t even want to know.

 

“Bren, I don’t remember _anything_ after like the first hour” Brendon just grinned and slowly shook his head.

 

“Well, I hope that dude, what was his name again? _Oh right,_ Tyler, got you home safely at least”

 

Josh looked up from his hands again, his heart suddenly beating a little faster. “Tyler? Oh yeah right, um yeah he did.” He looked at the smirking Brendon. “What?”

 

“No nothing, I just thought-“ he interrupted himself. “Oh never mind.”

 

Josh really hated his body because he felt himself blush for some fucking reason. _Can something please make some sense sometime soon?_ “Dude, stop with that, what were you going to say?”

 

Brendon chuckled again. “It’s just, I don’t know, you seemed to be very clingy on him, even when you almost threw up on his shoes”

 

In embarrassment, he buried his face in his palms again. “Why am I like this? And why was he even there in the first place?”

 

“Wow, you really don’t remember anything” he said and grinned. Josh looked up again and rolled his eyes. “Well, you were whining about some guy that just had moved in on your street that you thought was ' _so funny_  'and ' _the kindest person in the world'_. Dude, I was offended! And then you said that you wanted to meet him up so you texted him and, yeah.”

 

Josh groaned and face palmed, still blushing a bit. “I really have to quit drinking.”

 

Brendon laughed and raised his eyebrows. “Good luck buddy”

 

\---

 

Tyler was out in his back yard in just a pair of gym shorts and sunglasses. He had placed out a towel on the ground and was now laying there in an attempt to deepen his tan. That was never a problem for him though, he always got a natural tan by just being outside, which many would think was unfair. He couldn’t help but to be a little proud over that.

 

It was really hot outside but today he had decided that he was going to like it, like a normal person would’ve. This was an opportunity that didn’t come that often when you lived in Ohio, but he didn’t complain.

 

He felt like an over grilled hot dog when he decided it was enough, so he took the towel and went to sit down on the couch on the back porch, his new favourite place in the house. His phone was laying on the coffee table and since he had nothing else to do, he reached for it and picked it up.

 

His heart was immediately racing when he saw the notification on his phone: “@joshuadun wants to follow you on Instagram”

 

He double tapped on the notification and locked up his phone. The Instagram profile belonging to his neighbour was now showing in front of his eyes. He had 612 followers and his profile picture was a blurry one of him and some girl with red hair, kissing. Something in his stomach fell in the realization that it was the girl Josh had been with yesterday, who also turned out to be his girlfriend. He also couldn’t help but notice the amount of followers he had in comparison to Tyler’s 26, he must be one of the popular ones, which scared him a bit.

The guy’s account wasn’t private so he decided to take a look at his feed. It was filled with more blurry pictures of him and his friends having fun, cheesy captions about this girlfriend and some _selfies._ For some reason, his eyes lingered a bit longer on those pictures. On one of them, he was posing in front of a full body mirror in a pair of ripped black skinny jeans and some sleeveless band merch, Tyler was inspecting the picture, _damn he looks good._

 

Before Tyler in panic closed the app, he accepted the follow-request and followed back. A little smile was seen on his lips as he locked his phone and put it back on the table again. The fluttery feeling in his stomach had made a return, making it difficult for him to sit still. _Does this mean we’re actually friends now? Or am I just being naïve?_ He didn’t want to be overthinking again so he tried to drop it and instead put up the book he had left there on the porch yesterday and began reading. The boy with mocha eyes was still printed down in his brain though so the little smile he had on his lips did not disappear.

 

\---

 

“For how long?” Josh asked into the phone as he was laying down on his back in his unmade bed. He was picking a little on his fingernails.

 

It was late at night and Josh should’ve been asleep right now but how much can you expect from a teenage boy. Debby had just reminded him that she was going on a trip to Spain with his parents tomorrow, which meant that they wouldn’t be able to hang out in a while. He had completely forgotten about this and he didn’t know how to feel about it.

 

“Just two weeks so it won’t be for long” his girlfriend answered. He bit his lip.

 

“Do you think I will manage?” Josh asked a bit jokingly. A soft laugh was heard from the other end.

 

“Manage what? Not jerking off?” she said playfully and a ‘ha-ha very funny’ was heard from Josh.

 

“But you won’t” she added, still with a playful tone. Josh grinned.

 

“How do you know? I can restrain myself, trust me”

 

Debby scoffed. “You horny little bastard, I don’t believe you for a second” Josh chuckled. She continued. “You can’t even go a day without thinking about me and how much you want your dick sucked”

 

Josh protested. “Excuse you, I’m not that desperate!” Debby laughed. “I’ll prove you”

 

He could practically hear the smirk from the other end of the phone, and he had to admit it, he was already a bit turned on. But she didn’t have to know that. “Alright mister, if you want some dirty talk, I’ll give you some dirty talk.”

 

“Go on then” he said and sighed as he made himself more comfortable on the bed. He already knew where this was going.

 

She hummed as she tried to come up with something. “Remember last week when we were at Jenna’s? I wore my leather miniskirt that I know you love so much, the way it clings to my thighs and how it makes my ass pop. I knew you loved it by how flustered you got” She naturally had a deep hoarse voice but now it had lowered even more.

 

“Yeah, you were hot” Josh admitted as he thought back on that night. He felt something build in his lower stomach as he thought about her. He remembered how he couldn’t tear his eyes away from her because she looked so stunning. A sigh passed his lips.

 

“Yeah? I felt you staring the whole night, and remember when we were dancing to that low-beat song? How I grinded my ass on you, and you were already hard because of me? You love my ass, I know it, don’t you? Imagine me, grinding myself down on you right now in your bed” she continued as she let out a soft breath.

 

 _Boom_ , Josh was hard. He had now let his hand inch down to the building tent in his boxers, slowly massaging the bulge. He couldn’t help it, a low whimper was heard as he thought about his girlfriend, straddling him in his bed. He imagined it was her hand that was massaging his dick right now instead of his own. Debby let out a content hum when she heard her talking was working. “Babe I want you here” Josh said with a hoarse voice. She chuckled.

 

“Tell me Joshua, what do you want? What do you want me to do?” The words went straight down to his dick. A rustling was heard from the other side of the phone. Josh closed his eyes, his mouth slightly open as he imagined.

 

“I want you to be here with me, I want to kiss your lips, your neck, your whole body, down to your pussy.” A soft whimper was heard from Debby. He continued, now with his hand in a steady grip around his shaft, his boxers lowered down to his knees. “I want you to feel good, I want to lick you and kiss you between your beautiful thighs and hear those hot moans that only you can make” A weak ‘ _Josh’_ was heard from his girlfriend when he was done talking.

“Are you touching yourself right now?” He asked, biting his lip.

 

She snickered, panting a bit. “Yeah, are you?”

 

Josh couldn’t help but moan as he imagined her laying in her bed with her legs wide open, caressing her clit, whining at his words. His hand was now speeding up a little as he repeatedly moved it up and down his length, his orgasm slowly building in his stomach. “Hell yeah, you’re so hot babe, I want you to ride my dick ‘til we both cum, fuck I’m so hard”

 

Debby moaned into the phone “ _Josh_ you’re killing me, I wish you were here right now, I _need_ you holy fuck”

 

Josh swiped his thumb along his slit and whimpered, he was about to cum. “Babe, I’m gonna cum” he said as he began chasing his orgasm.

 

“Me too babe, fuck” she said before a high-pitched whine was heard from her as she came. That was it for Josh, he groaned loudly but softly as he came, still lazily pounding his dick when white cum squirted up on his chest. He panted with his eyes half lidded, smiling. He knew she was smiling too.

 

“That was hot” he said after a while when his orgasm had begun to settle down a bit. His chest was still heaving a bit but now his dick had at least calmed down.

 

Debby chuckled softly. “Yeah it was.” There was a comfortable silence between the two until she spoke up again. “I love you Josh, I’ll miss you so much”

 

Everything that had felt good and thrilling disappeared in one go as the three powerful words had left her lips. Suddenly he felt a weight appear on his chest, making him feel not as good and euphoric anymore. A knot was building in his stomach and he didn’t know how to respond.

 

“Josh?” He caught himself just staring into the ceiling, as he suddenly felt a bit empty for some reason. Debby’s voice sounded a bit concerned and he really didn’t want to pass on his sudden anxiousness to her so he responded with a weak ‘I’ll miss you too’.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! <3
> 
> I'm so excited to continue with this story so I hope you want to follow along! :)
> 
> Leave kudos if you want <33


	5. Mind

Today was just another day for Tyler to lay on his back in his bed and stare up into the ceiling. He was bored and couldn’t think of anything else to do than doing nothing. So that’s what he did, nothing. He just laid there with his arms and legs sprawled out on the bed and breathed in and out as he watched the ceiling and the little fly that was flying across his face every now and then.

 

He did appreciate being away from school and all but summer breaks could also make him restless. Don’t get him wrong though, most of the time he didn’t mind being alone and watch his own ceiling all the time, but to do that every day didn’t do him any good.

 

Last year when the summer period had ended, he was relieved to finally be free from prison - or school as you normally call it, so he could stay inside his room all day reading, watching movies and doing nothing. Also, get some sleep if his brain would let him. But as one week passed, his ability to overthink had begun growing, he couldn’t sit still. He began pacing and thinking and didn’t even think about the idea to maybe get some fresh air and vitamin D (not that he cared about health stuff ever) until his mother literally dragged him out of his and Zach’s room and made him do some yard work, like cutting the lawn. That made him realize that doing too much of nothing wasn’t good. And it really wasn’t.

 

He didn’t want to do nothing anymore. Suddenly he got a bit worried that he was about to do that, too much of nothing. The risk of falling back was right in front of him and he quickly sat up as he realized, his mind racing. _What if it comes back?_ His heart was suddenly beating faster as he began feeling a bit dizzy. _What if it’ll take me again?_

 

 _Air_ , he needed _air_. Sweat had begun forming on his back and forehead, even though the air conditioner in the room was on. He realized his hands were shaking, his shoulders as well. _Air._

 

The door was slammed open as a breathless Tyler stepped out on the front porch. _Air_.

 

Today the sky was cloudier and it wasn’t as hot and painful, but the sun was still peeking through here and there between the clouds. A faint breeze swept through Tyler’s little floof of hair as he inhaled. He held it for a second and then exhaled, slow but shakily. His shoulders had calmed down but his fingers were still twitching a little. He tried to shake it off as he sat down on the doorstep. His head was now resting in his hands, while he rubbed his temples in circular motions with the tips of his fingers. As he closed his eyes, he tried to just relax and feel himself again.

 

The fresh air actually made him feel a little better after a while. It had been about fifteen minutes of him just sitting there and breathing, trying to calm his mind and body down, before he told himself that everything was _fine,_ at least for now _._ He didn’t know if he could trust that though, his own words.

 

 

He had the whole house for himself today. His parents and Jay had gone visiting Mrs. Flores from their new local church. Since it was Sunday yesterday, the whole family had went there and gotten a warm welcome, from that old lady for instance. His parents had a lively conversation with Mrs. Flores and her husband and they apparently made plans on having a coffee at their house the next day. Jay was forced to come along since he was so little, but both Madison and Zach had made other plans already, she with another neighbour kid (many kids on this street huh) and he with his best friends from their old town.

Tyler wasn’t surprised that he didn’t have to join. That’s how it had been for some years now, his parents never forced him to do stuff like that just because he was who he was. He was Tyler, an outsider with a screwed up brain and a rain cloud over his head. They all will be so glad  _if_ he finally moves out or goes to college or whatever he’s supposed to do. He was sorry for them.

 

He sat down by the kitchen island as he picked up an apple from the fruit bowl and bit into it. Then he remembered he didn’t even like apples so he put it down and picked up his phone from his pocket instead. He lazily began scrolling through the few social medias he had, which was a pretty rare action since he barely ever opened the apps. When he was done doing that, he put down his phone on the counter as he sighed and looked out through the kitchen window. He really had nothing to do. Maybe he should’ve joined his parents on a coffee with the church lady after all. Then he thought about it and changed his mind, _I’d rather eat bananas for the rest of my life than drinking too sweet coffee with some random christian couple._

Not that he had anything against christian people – he was just a bit conflicted, that’s all. He was a christian himself, for God’s sake. But his feelings were a bit mixed, sometimes his faith in God was what he relied on while sometimes his doubt took over. And he also felt guilt, like he was letting Him down all the time which resulted in Him not helping him when he most needed it.

In Columbus, he had stopped going to church on Sundays for a while. He didn’t feel like it. They didn’t want him there anyways.

 

 _Do Josh go to church_? He didn’t know why he suddenly came to mind, but for some reason he did. His stomach fluttered.

He hadn’t seen him there yesterday, but maybe Tyler wasn’t that observant. That would be weird though because he usually was aware of everything around him, he liked inspecting.

Maybe Josh wasn’t even a christian, it wouldn’t surprise him considering Josh was, well, _Josh._ Sure, he didn’t know him that well but from the little he knew about him, it wouldn’t be that strange if he wasn’t.

 

The thoughts about Josh didn’t leave his mind though. Tyler couldn’t help but grin when he thought about the last time he had met him, when the guy was all drunk and out of his mind, puking. His mocha eyes had been heavy lidded and that _beautiful_ white smile didn’t leave his face for a second. The way his curly hair that smelled like blossom had been tickling his neck as he was leaning his warm body against his side, how sweaty and even the slightest nervous Tyler had gotten. 

 

Tyler began picking on his nails, still with a huge grin plastered on his face. There was confusion mixed with some sort of giddiness stirring around inside of him. He didn’t know why this feeling had appeared so often under the few days he had known this boy existed, but for now he tried not to think too much about it. He wanted to wait, he wasn’t ready. That was what his subconscious had told him at least.

 

He discovered that the time was only 4pm and no one would be home before at least 7pm. He didn’t want go upstairs and do _nothing_ again. He furrowed his eyebrows and bit the inside of his cheek. He was debating it, the sudden idea that had reached his mind.

 

He picked up his phone from the counter again and opened up his contacts, scrolling through them until he found the one he was searching for.

He clicked on the message button on “ _Josh Dun_ ” ‘s name. A snort was heard from him when he saw their first and recent sms-conversation, ending with an “ _im outside duddde”._

He began typing, hesitating before hitting the send button. For some reason, he got nervous.

 

**To Josh:** _Hi, what are u doing?_

 

Just as he had sent it, he locked the phone and threw it back on the counter. He breathed though his pursed lips as he put his hands behind his head and began pacing. When he realized how stupid he was acting he mentally slapped himself. _Wow calm down, you act like you’re thirteen and are texting your first crush or something!_ Not that he had ever done that before, but once again, movies are very good study material.

 

After a few minutes of staring at his phone, it dinged and the screen lit up. Tyler jumped because of the sudden noise and he felt his heart race again as he reached for his phone to lock it up and read the message.

 

 **From Josh:** _hey dude, nothing just omw to TB haha_

 

**From Josh:** _you?_

Tyler smiled to himself as he began typing his response.

 

**To Josh:** _Oh, they have TB here? Now you’re making my taco heart hungry_

 

The message was sent before he could think any more of it.

 

**To Josh:** _But nah I’m not up to much either_

He then sat there on the bar stool for a while to see if Josh would write back again or if their conversation already had died. He still felt nervous, which he considered as weird because he was just texting with a new friend. What was there to be so nervous about?

 

His phone dinged again.

 

**From Josh:** _well let me feed ur little taco heart then, what do you want?_

 

Tyler just stared down at Josh’s last message for a second, quite surprised. He chuckled and then bit his lip at his kind of suggestive text. _How could one be so charming?_ Then he realized what he had wanted to say and a wave of something giddy washed over him.

**To Josh:** _Wait you’re coming over?_

Josh’s answer came immediately.

 

**From Josh:** _thought so, if it’s chill_

A big smile appeared on Tyler’s face.

 

**To Josh:** _Sure, no one else is home atm so_

**To Josh:** _Not that that would’ve mattered but yeah y’know_

Tyler frowned and closed his eyes as he realized how awkward he was being. Then Josh replied.

 

**From Josh:** _haha awesome_

**From Josh:** _now, what did you want from the menu?_

\---

 

Josh parked his car in his driveway and grabbed the paper bags with their food in. Since he lived in the house just next to Tyler’s he could just drop the car off at his own and then walk a few meters to other’s. When he was in front of Tyler’s front door, he ringed the door bell and was almost immediately greeted by a smiling boy with slightly crooked teeth and fluffy hair, standing on the other side of the door seal.

 

He saw that he was just looking at him without saying anything so he began with a “Hello” and smiled at the boy.

 

A shade of pink seemed to appear on his cheeks, as he was now looking anywhere but on him. “Oh hi, come in!”

 

Josh nodded one time and stepped inside as he closed the door behind himself. The hallway had white walls and dark brown floorboards. You could see that they just had moved in since the place was kind of empty except from a dresser and a mirror. They probably hadn’t have time for unpacking everything yet.

 

“Ready for some chicken burritos?” he then said and grinned as he held up the slightly grease-stained paper bag.

 

Tyler grinned as well. “Dude, you already know the answer to that, let’s go up to my room”

Josh chuckled as he followed him upstairs and into a quite big room with two beds, a closet and a desk in it. On one side of the room where one of the beds were, the walls were decorated with some minimalistic paintings and a few band posters. The other side had a framed basketball jersey hanging off the wall, and there was a lot of reward cups and medals placed on a shelf over the bed.

 

“Who are you sharing rooms with?” Josh asked as he kept looking around the room. It was pretty lit up since the big window over the desk let so much light in.

 

“With my brother Zach” Tyler answered and sighed through his nose as he sat down on the bed by the side of the room with the paintings and posters. “Just because we’re the closest in age of my siblings my mom thought it was fair, but I think we should’ve gotten our own rooms though since we’re the oldest”

 

“Sucks, so you have smaller siblings?” Josh went to the desk to put the bag with burritos down on it.

 

“Yeah, we have Jay the youngest, he’s 7. And then we have Madison who’s turning 11 in a few days, and Zach who’s 15.”

 

Josh stuck his bottom lip out and nodded. “Cool, we both have pretty big families then”

 

“Ugh, how many are you?”

 

“It’s mom and dad and my three siblings, Ashley, Abigail and Jordan. And yeah it can get pretty annoying sometimes, there are always fights about who’s turn it is to pick a movie on our movie nights. Ash have made us watch ‘She’s the man’ like a million times now, and it’s fucking awful”

 

He grinned when he saw how Tyler was laughing. “Nothing wrong with some girly teenage drama” Josh tsked and shook his head in amusement. “Now my stomach his growling so bring in the burritos man”

 

Josh chuckled as he  pick up the bag from the desk again and then went to the bed Tyler was sitting on. He sat down next to him and handed him his burrito “Here you go”

 

They ate in silence for a while, only the sound of wrinkled paper and chewing was heard. Josh watched Tyler when he took a bite as a moan slipped out from his mouth. For some reason, he felt the noise go down his spine and he immediately sat up a bit straighter. Now Tyler was side eyeing him as he felt himself start to blush. _For God’s fucking sake, get your shit together Josh._ Tyler giggled and hunched over a bit as he almost spilled some of his food onto his lap. “Oops” Josh chuckled. “This was delicious, didn’t know I was this hungry, thanks man!”

 

Josh smiled down to his hands, he still felt a little awkward. “No problem”

 

They continued eating and when they were done, they put their trash into the paper bag. Josh wiped off the grease on his hands on his thighs and turned to Tyler on the bed. “So, I guess you’re not the one of you who are playing basketball huh?”

 

Tyler snapped his head to him and had jokingly offended expression on his face. “What? I don’t know if that was an insult or not, but I definitely take it as one!” Josh was laughing now. “I may not play basketball but I could still be fit as frick” he said and grinned as he watched Josh let out another laugh.

 

“Sure you beast, but no I meant like if this side of the room is yours and the other one with the trophies are your brother’s?”

 

Tyler stretched out a bit. “Yeah it is, I’m actually not a big fan of sports or doing any type of exercise at all” his eyes were now on the wall and not on Josh.

 

“What do you like to do then?” he asked in curiosity. Tyler looked back at him.

 

“Is this like your ‘what are you passionate about’ –question?” he said and snorted. Josh rolled his eyes, huffing out a tiny laugh.

 

“Oh shut it, that was good question! But since you’re so _boring_ and _simple_ , you don’t get it” He smirked as he spoke and Tyler did as well. “Now tell me, what’s a hobby of yours?”

 

Tyler snorted again. “A hobby? I don’t have any” Josh raised one eyebrow in disbelief. “What, you said it yourself, I’m simple and boring”

 

“Ugh, stop being a jerk, there must be something you do to spend your days!”

 

Tyler sighed and looked around the room for a second. It looked like he was thinking of an answer. “For real though, I don’t do a lot” It seemed like he was contemplating whether he should say what he was about to say or not. “Believe it or not but I actually have a pretty boring life. I just stay in my room for the most of the time, watching movies or reading or something” He said the last part in a rush, as if he hoped that Josh wouldn’t have heard it. But he did so he nodded.

 

“Same here though, I don’t do a lot”

 

Tyler’s eyebrows shot up as he scoffed, making Josh a little bit startled. “Stop lying, explain to me why you were barfing all over the street last Saturday!”

 

Josh groaned as Tyler chuckled with a sly grin. “I knew you would bring that up”

 

“I consider that going to parties and _drinking_ with _friends_ actually counts as doing a lot, so if you tell me that you have a ‘fricking boring life’, then I don’t even know how I should label my own” Josh then laughed and rolled his eyes. He bit his tounge and looked at Tyler.

 

“It’s really fucking embarrassing though, I’m sorry that you had to help me home”

 

“Y’know, that’s what friends are for”

 

Tyler’s face broke up in a huge smile, which rubbed off on Josh as well. Suddenly he felt a comfortable warmth spread itself out inside his body and he didn’t know why it felt so good to hear Tyler confirm what he’s been thinking about, but it did. Tyler was Josh new friend now and he was very glad.

 

“I guess” he said and chuckled as he still was looking at the boy with pink tinted cheeks. He felt weird about what he was thinking but _he is cute._ He blinked hard as he tried not to think anything further about that.

 

 

They continued talking about stuff like how the school was here, how the people were and places you could go to where you could meet up friends on your spare time. This also contained mocking laughs from Tyler when Josh tried to explain in a non-bragging way how he actually was pretty known at his school, that he had a lot of friends and that he went to parties almost quite often. Tyler seemed to think this was hilarious and Josh couldn’t help but blush a little. He hated to admit it, but to say that he wasn’t even the tiniest bit of popular was a lie.

 

They had changed their sitting positions so that Tyler was leaning against the headboard with his legs stretched out in front of him and Josh was sitting cross-legged by the end of the bed.

 

“Dude, how didn’t she notice!?”

 

“I guess we covered it up pretty good since she still hasn’t asked me about it” Josh said and shrugged as he smiled at Tyler’s amused but scandalized expression.

 

“How did you cover it up?”

 

Josh chuckled. “We poured water into the bottle instead and made it look like it was untouched”

 

Tyler laughed and leaned the back of his head against the headboard, his chin slightly tilted up into the air. “That’s so stupid, what if she actually would’ve noticed?”

 

“Well, then I would’ve been fucked” He watched how Tyler’s shoulder was shaking with laughter and he couldn’t help but notice how his adam's apple bobbed a little. Tyler was clearly quite thin since you easily could see all the outlines on his throat. He didn’t know why his stomach suddenly made a back flip but when he realized that he was staring he gulped and rubbed the back of his neck, not looking at Tyler anymore. It didn’t seem like Tyler had noticed him though.

 

“See, this is what having a life is like, I’m never doing stuff like that”

 

Josh sighed. “Stop it, you’re making me feel bad”

 

Tyler snickered and then got off the bed. Josh looked at him in confusion.

 

“You reminded me, I got to put this” he said as he picked up the paper bag “in the trash and clean up the mess I’ve made downstairs. Otherwise mom will be furious, she hates when it’s messy”

 

“Alright” Josh said as he got of the bed as well.

 

“No you can stay here, I’ll be back in a second” he said and headed out through his bedroom door.

 

“Okay then” Josh chuckled.

 

He heard his footsteps as he ran down the stairs. Now Josh just stood there by himself in Tyler’s room and didn’t know what to do. He decided to take a better look at the room, at the posters of bands he had no clue about who they were, like Death Cab for Cutie and Sigur Rós, and also all the stuff that was sprawled out on the desk. There was a staple of thick books and some pens. There were also a marine blue notebook, which on the front of it stood “ _Tyler Joseph – mind_ ”. Josh frowned and picked it up. He knew it was bad of him and that he shouldn’t be snooping around but all of a sudden he felt so curious.

 

He opened it up.

It was poems.

 

He flicked through the pages and stopped around the middle. He looked at the title “ _Time to say goodbye_ ”. He was still frowning as he began reading the poem.

_“You split_

_And take in every time you see_

_A faking counterfeit_

_In the mirror you appear_

_To see fear_

_And whisper this is it_

_In the mirror you appear_

_To see nothing else_

_But yourself as a face_

_A hollowed out space_

_Leave me with the razor_

_And just in case_

_I fall face down on the ground_

_And somehow I found_

_Enough strength to lift my face_

_And make a sound_

_And muffled though it may be_

_And crazy it seems_

_I never felt closer to you_

_Just crying as you torture me_

_I just don't wanna be_

_So many things_

_And now that I see_

_I just wanna sing_

_I just wanna breathe_

_I just wanna fly_

_I just wanna close my eyes_

_And take in the sun_

_And take in the air_

_I just wanna run_

_And murder my care_

_I wanna believe that I will be free elsewhere_

_And I'm standing on a tower_

_Trying my hardest to make it_

_To you but I built this tower_

_Out of mortal bricks_

_They're breaking_

_I truly will surrender_

_My pretender_

_My disguise_

_And I'll truly start to_

_Render to your splendor_

_So it's time to say goodbye”_

Josh didn’t really know what to think. He was both chocked and amazed. _Had Tyler written this?_ _It almost looks like a song lyrics._ The poem couldn’t be just a poem, it was raw and there was a passion in it that made it feel so real. His heart didn’t feel as light as it had before and a lump started to form inside his stomach. Now he felt really bad, this was something private, something Josh shouldn’t have seen. This was Tyler’s feelings on a paper.

 

“What are you doing?”

 

Josh literally jumped and turned around as he dropped the book down on the desk again. He hadn’t heard him coming but there he was in the doorway, frozen in place as he with wide eyes looked at the book on the desk and then back up to Josh. He looked hurt.

 

“I- I am so sorry Ty- I- I didn’t mean to snoop or anything I just-“ he stuttered, panicking.

 

Silence. They were both just looking at each other and Josh felt terrible. Tyler’s face was stone cold and his chest was heaving.

 

“Tyler-“

 

“No, don’t say anything” Tyler interrupted as he looked away from Josh, down into the floor. He noticed that his fingers were twitching.

 

Josh didn’t know what to do. He just wanted to sink into the ground and never see the sun again, he wanted to click the rewind button and undo his mistakes. This was clearly bad.

 

“I should leave” Josh finally said, still frozen on his spot in front of the desk.

 

Tyler was still not looking at him. “Yeah”

 

There was a few seconds before Josh awkwardly made his way out of the room, brushing shoulders with Tyler as he crossed him in the doorway. His heart was beating so fast as he almost ran down the stairs and out of the house. Apparently Tyler’s parents were home now because he made eye contact with them for a second as he passed the kitchen where they were standing. They both frowned at him.

 

When he was out of the house, he turned around and looked up at the window where Tyler had his room. Something stung in his chest as he decided to head home again.

 

_What have I done?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oooooo...
> 
> I hope you liked this chapter and that you are excited for more! :)
> 
> And I'm sorry for the late update, but school has been a lot this week. I hope you don't mind <3
> 
> Bye <33


	6. A fucking privilege

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: Homophobic language and joking about mental illness and self-harm. Sorry.

He was practically slamming the drums with the drumsticks along to the quick beat with his eyes tightly shut in concentration. He was bouncing on his stool as he moved his upper body as if he was dancing along with the beat. This was what made him at peace with himself and his thoughts, he needed somewhere to escape to and that’s what the drums could help him with. Every little clash of the cymbals accompanied with thumps from the drums made a noise that was like harmony to his ears, although others wouldn’t agree.

 

Josh was so into his own little world that he didn’t notice how hard he was actually hitting the drums until someone poked his shoulder. Startled, his tightly shut eyes shot up and looked up widely on the person who had interrupted him. His eyes were red and bloodshot from sitting up all night, practicing, in hope that he would feel a little better after everything that had happened earlier. He really didn’t want to think about that anymore so he needed the get-away the drums gave him.

 

“Josh!” His mother looked sleepy but had a stern and irritated voice as she spoke. “What on earth are you doing, it’s 2am!”

 

Josh rubbed his eyes and then looked down to his hands. “I’m sorry mom, couldn’t sleep”

 

His mom cocked her head and put her hands by her sides. She raised her eyebrows. “So you thought drumming was a good idea instead? You’re waking the whole neighbourhood up!”

 

Josh didn’t say anything, he just continued staring down at his hands. His head was dizzy with sleepiness but at the same time, he knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep. There was too much going on inside his head.

 

“Try to get some sleep now love, alright? Goodnight”

 

Then she went up the stairs again and closed the door behind her. Josh sighed and closed his eyes again. He was so tired but his head was stopping him. He knew he was supposed to feel bad for what he had done today but he didn’t think he necessarily had to feel _this_ bad. There was something uncomfortable stirring around in his stomach, making him feel low and somewhat empty.

 

He had hurt Tyler. He didn’t know exactly how badly but it was clearly _bad._ When he had seen him just standing there in the doorway with that cold anxious look on his face, Josh had predicted that that was the end of their new friendship. He had made a big mistake that he would have to live with. Tyler would never forgive him.

 

That text he had read was so raw and personal. There was certainly something very deep and heavy behind it considering his choices of words, but Josh felt even worse about himself for trying to dig even deeper so he tried not to think more about _that._

 

He got up from the stool and laid down on the bed instead, in no attempt to sleep whatsoever. The thoughts were running through his head, questions without any answers and statements with no contradictions.

 

It wasn’t often Josh felt this way. Fear and this type of anxiety was something he didn’t have much experience with since he had always been a bubbly and happy person with not much things standing in his way. He loved his family, although his parents were very christian and Josh was a little scared of that. There was just something that imitated him, maybe that they had such a clear vision of the world and what was right and wrong. But that didn’t make him not love them. He had nice friends and a girlfriend, who was currently at the airport in Spain. There was many reasons to why he should be happy and relaxed but right now, the name with five letters beginning with a “T” and ending with “yler” was printed down in his brain and absorbed all of the light feelings he usually had.

 

 _Should I text him? Apologize?_ No, that would’ve been a bit desperate and Josh didn’t want to have that image. It may be ridiculous but that’s how it was.

 

_Why am I worrying so much? Well, maybe because you’re a total dickhead who’s snooping on others privacy and hurts their feelings._

 

Josh groaned and rolled onto his stomach with his face pressed into his pillow. He closed his eyes and surprised himself with a sob. And one more, until he was silently crying into his pillow. He allowed himself to do that, no one was there to watch or judge him after all. No one was there to tell him how much of a faggot or a girl he was, there would be no existing proof of the salty tears so he let them leave wet spots on his pillow as he finally fell asleep, his clothes still on.

 

\---

 

“Not hungry?” Tyler’s dad asked as he peeked up from the newspaper to look at Tyler’s barely touched bowl of cereal. Tyler who was resting his head against his hand didn’t look up as his dad spoke and continued playing with his spoon in the milk. He felt a little nauseous and the last thing he wanted to do was to eat.

 

“No” was his answer. His dad raised one eyebrow as he took and extra look at his son before he hummed and looked down into the newspaper again.

 

“Good morning boys” His mom came into the room and sat down by the table next to her husband. His dad kissed her on the cheek and then went back to the newspaper again. Tyler was still not looking up or saying anything, he just sat there and played with his cereal. He wasn’t in the mood for this right now. His mom noticed something was wrong though as she spoke. “Everything’s alright Ty?” ´

 

Without really answering, just grunting, he got up from his chair and went back up to his and Zach’s bedroom. He knew without looking that his parents was sharing that concerned look they always had on their stupid faces when they suspected something was wrong. It was as if they knew more about what was going on with him than he did himself. He hated it, so _fucking_ much. It was exhausting.

 

It was Tuesday, another boring day in Tyler’s even more boring life. Why just him, why couldn’t he have some fun sometime? Why did everyone except him have lives filled with friends, hobbies and happiness? Why was he the one who had to feel this shitty all the time, what had he done to deserve this?

 

He was sitting cross-legged on the floor by his bed and was leaning his back against it. Zach was also in the room but in his own bed, sleeping with his face facing the wall.

 

Tyler’s lips were sore from him constantly biting on them, proved by the taste of metal on the tip of his tongue. That was something he did when he was anxious, biting off the thin bits of skin on his lower lip and making himself bleed. He always regretted it afterwards since the burn from the fresh wound never seemed to disappear, although that was a feeling he was rather used to.

 

He sighed and threw his head backwards so he was resting it on the bed while watching the ceiling. The same thought had now been circulating his mind ever since last afternoon, not giving his brain a rest. _What did Josh think? What was his thoughts while reading whatever he was reading in the book? Does he think I am a freak now?_  

 

Yesterday, he was panicking. Just as Josh had left the house, he broke. He fell down to the floor and curled himself up into a fetal position as he broke out in an ugly cry. His chest was heaving and he had problems breathing. There wasn’t much he remembered after that, only that his mom had been running up the stairs to sit down where he had been laying and just held him. She let him cry into her shoulder as she slowly rocked them back and forth, hushing his sobs.

 

Now he was just thinking. He didn’t really have much time for doing that yesterday so he was doing it now instead.

 

He turned his gaze to where the marine blue notebook was laying on the desk where it was last put - where Josh had dropped it from his hands when Tyler had caught him reading it.

He had gotten that book from his mom just before starting eight grade. It was supposed to be school supplies but Tyler found better use to it. It was something only the girls in his class did, but he began writing down everything he had on his mind and he enjoyed it. It was like a diary, but after a while the detailed descriptions of his days turned into just rows of sometimes rhyming words, with a message he thought only he would get. He wrote down everything he had on his heart and made it into long or sometimes very short texts. This was his way of coping with his wrecked mind and bad habits, something he kept for himself.

 

But now Josh knew. Josh, a dude he had known for about three days that didn’t know him like _at all._ He didn’t know that when he was nine, their family adopted a puppy but not long after left it for adoption again since no one had time to take care of it. He didn’t know about all of the scary adult men he had encountered during his nightly walks in his previous town and he didn’t know about the amount of pills he’d had to swallow in his life to be able to go on.

 

He didn’t knew all of that but what he did know was that Tyler was a depressed, mentally deranged boy with a sick brain. That was the impression of himself Tyler had given him now, and it probably had scared him off. He hoped that Josh didn’t get it, what the words actually meant. He hoped that he hadn’t read one of the worse ones, the ones where after you’ve read them you’d want to put the writer in into psych ward.

 

There was a soft knock on the door and a grunt from Tyler’s brother was heard. The door opened and his mom carefully stepped into the room.

 

“Hello” she whispered and smiled at Tyler. He gave her a weak smile back. “What are you doing?”

 

“Nothing” he said and stared out into nothing as she walked over to where he was sitting and sat down next to him. He rolled his eyes but not in an annoyed way. “What?”

 

She had now pressed her lips together in a way to show that she was sorry for someone or something. Tyler knew where this conversation was going.

 

“I just wanted to make sure that everything’s alright” she was looking right into Tyler’s eyes as she spoke.

 

Tyler looked away, he’d always had problems with eye contact and this time was no exception. Maybe she would be able to tell that no, everything’s not alright if she could see his eyes so he avoided her worried stare. Nothing’s alright and had never been.

 

He didn’t come with a response. But that wasn’t needed because there was a hand on Tyler’s shoulder which led to his mother hugging him, It was quick but he felt a little better afterwards, at least for the minute. “You know that if there’s something bothering you, I’m always up for listening Tyler”

 

He pressed his lips together and nodded. “Okay”

 

“Okay? I love you” she said and leaned in to kiss his forehead before getting up and leaving the room.

 

It went quiet again, only the sound of Zach’s deep breaths from across the room and the chirping from the birds outside the window were heard. Today was going to be as any another day, normal and non-eventful.

 

\---

 

“Bro you’re wicked!” Brendon called when Pete downed the whole can of beer in one go. He swallowed loudly and raised his hands in victory when he was done. There was an applause coming from both Patrick and Spencer and Josh just snorted.

 

It was night and Josh and his friends, and some other guys he didn’t know that well, were sitting by the tree close to the lake and the sparse forest, the place where they usually hung out. They didn’t have any party to go to but they’d still decided that they wanted to hang out and get at least a little tipsy, so they did. Well, Josh had been contemplating even going since he wasn’t that up to drink tonight, but he followed along anyways. He didn’t drink anything though, but he just felt that he needed to get away from his basement and his messy mind for a second.

 

It was actually pretty warm outside even though the sun had gone down for about an hour ago. The sky was dark and the only source of light came from their phones and the lit lantern Patrick had brought with him.

 

“Here” Brendon reached a package of cigarettes out for Josh so he could take one, and he did. He nodded a ‘thank you’ and lit the end of the cigarette with the lighter Brendon had lend him as well. He breathed in the smoke when he had put the thing to his lips and then leaned his head back a little as he breathed out, letting a cloud of smoke disappear into the air. Brendon was looking at him with a somewhat concerned look. Josh looked away.

 

He watched the guys having a conversation, probably about something stupid as always as he exhaled another breath of smoke. He immediately felt a little less anxious.

They were laughing about something Josh didn’t catch, but it didn’t really matter because he didn’t really care that much anyways.

 

 “What’s up dude? Want a beer?” Pete suddenly asked when he had caught Josh staring out into the darkness. Josh snorted.

 

“No I told you I’m not drinking tonight”

 

“Dude come on, _one_ beer cannot hurt”

 

“I think he’s having PTSD or something, you should’ve seen him when we were heading home last Saturday!” Patrick had doubled himself over in laughter but no one else seemed to catch on. Both Pete, Spencer and Andy just gave Josh a look that meant that they wanted more information.

 

“Guys let him chill, if he doesn’t want to drink then don’t pressure him to” Brendon said, slightly annoyed. Josh was lucky to have him as a best friend.

 

“Thanks bro”

 

Brendon smiled and raised his can of beer to him in a toast and then took a sip of it. Josh chuckled softly and shook his head with a big grin on his face.

 

The night went on, his friends getting tipsier and louder as Josh continued sitting on the same spot as he had before. He was fidgeting a little with the straws of grass in front of him and was once again not paying much attention to what the others were doing. He wasn’t really feeling it, he was still feeling shitty from last afternoon’s event and for some reason he couldn’t let it go. There was an irritation he had for himself for what he had done, he hadn’t thought about the consequences in the moment when he had been snooping around like the shittiest friend ever so there he was, trying to handle them.

 

“Wait what was his name again?”

 

“Tyler I think, Josh’s new neighbour”

 

Josh was immediately ripped out of his thoughts when he heard his own and Tyler’s name being said by Patrick. Pete was chuckling when his question got answered. Now Josh was listening.

 

“I’ve heard that he’s crazy, man” Pete snorted. “If it’s the right Tyler I mean, is it Joseph?”

 

This was bad.

 

“Yes it is” Josh heard himself say. Everyone’s eyes had turned to him in surprise; he hadn’t said a word for over more than an hour now so even he himself was surprised that he was talking. He froze a bit from the sudden spotlight he was given.

 

Pete looked at the others in confusion and then back at Josh again. He raised one eyebrow. “You know him?”

 

Josh eyes flickered between the guys and then back to Pete. “Yeah, I mean we’re neighbours so” He gulped.

 

“Alright” Pete said and snorted as he looked back at the others. He was grinning slyly. “Anyways, there is a guy I know from kindergarten who lives in Columbus now and he said that this guy, Tyler, went to his high school there and apparently he was out of it”

 

There was a lump forming in Josh stomach, only growing as Pete continued talking.

 

“One time some dudes caught him sitting all alone in one of the toilet stalls, bawling for something stupid” He began. “He was probably anxious about jacking off too much to the image of his dream gay boyfriend fuckin him or something, y’know christians”

 

The only ones who were laughing were Andy and Spencer and he fucking hated that they were doing that because that made Pete’s stupid face break out into a proud grin. He wanted to punch that guy in the face so fucking hard right now, but apparently Pete wasn’t finished yet because he continued.

 

“And once, someone had apparently caught him again in the bathroom but this time in the changing room, but he wasn’t crying, he was fucking bleeding man! There was droplets of blood all over the floor and his sleeve was soaked in something dark and wet! I think he was about to fucking kill himself or something”

 

“Really? That’s sick dude, he’s mental!” Andy said and laughed.

 

“Dude what the fuck?” Brendon suddenly said with an angry voice. Josh who were a little bit chocked as he was trying to puzzle everything Pete had said together, now switched his attention to Brendon instead.

 

“Chill out man, he’s not serious” Spencer said with a smug grin, making Andy chuckle.

 

“Oh fuck off” Brendon spat. “Let the guy be, it’s none of your business anyway”

 

Pete huffed out a laugh. “Sure, maybe the reason why you are supporting him this much is that you are his secret little faggot to boyfriend, huh? Maybe you’re writing cute little letters to each other where you talk about how fucking depressed you both are”

 

Brendon looked furious as he rose to his feet. Both his jaw and fists were clenched, making his knuckles go white. Josh was sure he was about to punch the guy but he didn’t. Josh was almost ready to do it for him.

 

“What, are you going to hit me?” Pete asked a bit humorously as he stood up as well. “Go on then, show me what those faggot fists can do”

 

Josh couldn’t just sit there and watch anymore. He had to act. “What the hell dude, step back”

 

As he spoke, he rose to his feet as well and gripped his best friend’s arm, making sure that he wouldn’t go for it. He felt Brendon’s bicep slowly relax from the grip, his fists unclenching. They made eye contact and he could see how cold Brendon’s eyes were. It was similar to the look Tyler had given him yesterday, the look that showed that he clearly was hurt.

 

“Bro, stop protecting him, let him prove how much of a man he really is”

 

Josh looked back at Pete, surprised by his choice of words. “Really? You’re calling me your _bro_?”

 

“Hey, chill, stop being so aggressive” Pete rose both of his hands into the air so the palms were facing their way. Josh noticed now that the other guys were silently watching, once in a while sharing each other looks as if they were watching a movie and wanted to see if the other had reacted the same way as them about a certain scene.

 

“Come on” Josh said to Brendon and walked away from the group towards the road where he had parked his car, with a steady grip around Brendon’s arm. The guy didn’t say or do anything else than following along. He heard how the other guys were chanting after them but he ignored them. His focus right now was to get the hell out of there and making sure his friend was okay.

 

They didn’t speak or say anything as they got into the car and Josh begun driving, heading to Brendon’s place. Brendon sat next to him in the passenger seat, quiet with his jaw still tightly clenched. Josh blood was still pounding with adrenaline as he tried to focus on the road and to not crash the car.

 

“You don’t know what it is like” Brendon said without looking at him when they had reached their destination, Brendon’s house. He was biting the inside of his cheek. Josh turned his head to his friend with a questioning look on his face. “to be different”

 

Josh continued looking at his friend, not a word forming on his tongue as he turned off the engine. He let him continue after a long pause.

 

“It’s a fucking privilege man” he said and chuckled hopelessly, waving his hands in front of him in an attempt to make his message clearer. “It’s not like you go around in the hallways daydreaming about some cute guy you happened to share chemistry classes with. It’s a fucking privilege”

 

Josh didn’t really know what response he was supposed to give so he just said ‘I’m sorry’ and rubbed the back of his neck. Then Brendon finally turned to look at him.

 

“What are you sorry for? Being straight?”

 

He felt himself beginning to sweat a little, but Josh told himself it was just because they were sitting in a shut car with no air conditioner on. He looked up at his friend who was waiting for yet another response. But since he came with none, Brendon continued talking instead.

 

“I’m not mad at _you_ if that’s what you think” The corners of his lips turned up a little as he spoke and Josh couldn’t help but follow along. “I’m not mad at anyone really”

 

Josh couldn’t help but laugh softly at that, making an offended look appear on Brendon’s face. “Dude, you’re not mad? You were this close to beat the shit out of that poor guy”

 

Brendon rolled his eyes but smiled. “Well okay, maybe I was a little mad at him but that’s just because he can’t just say things like that about people he haven’t even met before!”

 

Josh stomach dropped as he was reminded about what Pete had said about Tyler. There was a rush of something cold running through his veins, making him feel a little sick all of a sudden. The grin he had been wearing disappeared in a second.

 

“Is it true?” Josh asked, avoiding Brendon’s eyes. He knew he was looking at him though, frowning.

 

“What?”

 

“All the things he said, you know”

 

He heard Brendon breath out softly through his nose. Josh stomach was actually hurting right now, in the wait of a response.

 

“I don’t know man, I sure have heard some shit but it’s just rumours”

Josh looked back at Brendon who was also looking back at him. Josh nodded with his lips pressed together in a line, as he saw how intently his friend was trying to read his face.

 

“Is he okay?”

 

He was a little surprised by the question and immediately felt himself turn stiff. He actually had no idea, _is he okay? Had he already moved on?_ He decided that Brendon didn’t need to know about what had happened yesterday and what was actually going on so he pretended to be unaware. “How would I know?”

 

“Dunno, seemed like you knew each other” Brendon said and shrugged. Josh chuckled nervously, _why am I so nervous?_

 

“Yeah I mean, we’ve hung out but, yeah” Now it was Brendon’s turn to nod.

 

“So you don’t know?”

 

“No” Josh said and began picking on his nails as a form of distraction. This just made him feel even shittier - he hadn’t even _tried_ reaching out for Tyler to see if he was chill or to even apologize!

 

“You have his number?”

 

Josh tried really hard not to blush but he failed as he felt the heat appear on his cheeks. “Yeah”

 

Brendon chuckled. “Text him”

 

Josh raised his eyebrow and looked at his friend as if he had been hearing that wrong. “What?”

 

Brendon groaned. “Oh my God you heard what I said, text him!”

 

“Why?”

 

“Ask if he wants to hang out or something! Bro I can tell that there’s something you’re not telling me and I have my suspicions” Brendon smirked and then laughed at Josh facial expression.

 

“Dickhead” Josh said and sighed with a smile on his lips as he reached for his phone in his pocket. _Is this really a good idea?_ _What if Tyler actually hates me and I´ll just make a fool of myself?_ He checked the time and it was already 1.30am, he was probably asleep right now and wouldn’t answer before the next morning. But for some reason he opened up their conversation any ways and begun typing. Maybe this was what he was supposed to do all along, all thanks to his best friend pushing him to.

 

**To Tyler:** _Hey_

Both of the friends sat in silence while staring down at Josh’s now locked phone, waiting for it to lit up again with a reply from Tyler. Although, Josh was sure that wouldn’t happen because _why would it?_ _Tyler didn’t care._

 

But he proved himself wrong.

 

**From Tyler:** _Hi_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiiii
> 
> I know there's been more than a week since I last updated, I'm sorry but once again, school's a lot hahah
> 
> AND I'm sorry for making the guys look bad and disrespectful but I needed that for the story, ok? oops
> 
> Hope you liked this chapter, see ya <33


	7. Pretty messed up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tiny TW: anxiety attacks

The room was dark; the only source of light came from the moon, making the black look blue. The silence was hearable, like a buzzing cloud. He could briefly see his brother who was tucked under the covers in his own bed. Everything was as usual.

 

Tyler couldn’t sleep. He had tried for hours but had now given up. The time was about 1.30am and the sounds of his brother’s soft breaths from across the room was what he had been focusing on for a while now. Inhale, a few seconds, and exhale. It was calming for some reason, but that didn’t help him to drift off.

 

He sighed and turned around so that he was laying on his back with his head resting against the pillow. There wouldn’t even be a point in trying to sleep now because he knew that wouldn’t happen. He hated it but he was used to it now. But had he ever even _really_ tried? Well, he had made it so far after all.

 

His phone that was laying on his nightstand suddenly lit up and made him jump; it disturbed the stillness of his surroundings. He reached out for it and picked it up and his eyes immediately stung when the screen lit his whole face up. With squinted eyes, he lowered the brightness and looked at what the notification he had gotten was about.

 

It was a text from _Josh_.

 

It was annoying what impact that boy had on his health, but his heartrate sped up. He was scared of opening the text; he didn’t know what the dude wanted. But with blood pumping in his veins, he opened up their conversation.

 

**From Josh:** _Hey_

Tyler frowned down at his phone. _Why does he want to talk to me? Why is he so casual when I’m here shitting myself?_

 

He knew he could just leave him on read but that would’ve been rude. So he typed out a simple answer, and pressed send.

 

**To Josh:** _Hi_

Tyler just stared down intensely at his phone in a wait for Josh to write again. He wasn’t laying down anymore, now he was sitting up on the edge of the bed with his bare feet on the floor. Then the three dots appeared, followed by another text.

 

**From Josh:** _meet me outside?_

He froze. _Is Josh outside? On the street? And he wants to meet me?_ He was just about to get up from the bed to take a look out of the window when he realized that would look weird. Maybe Josh was standing right outside his house. His body then went through a lot of emotions at the same time which overwhelmed him. He felt anxiety wash over him like the Niagara Falls, making him almost sick. He knew this would get uncomfortable for both of them and he knew they would have to bring _it_ up and that he would have to explain.

He wasn’t ready for that.

But at the same time something warm and happy took place and made him feel a little better. Josh wanted to meet him, which probably meant he didn’t think Tyler was that much of a freak after all, _because why would he want to hang out then? Or maybe he likes freaks, like me._

That thought was immediately erased from his mind though as he remembered that liking Tyler was impossible.

 

He then also remembered that it was way past midnight and he should’ve been sleeping and he knew his parents would be worried to death if they would notice him gone in the morning. He _knew._

But this opportunity may never come to him again. Maybe Josh would take a “no” as a “no I don’t ever want to see you again so goodbye” and then their, well, whatever they had or didn’t have, would be gone forever.

 

_I mean, I won’t be gone for long, I’ll get back before they’ll notice anything._

He noticed himself standing up on in his feet now, as he began typing out an answer. His thumb hovered over the send button as he was hesitating whether or not this was a good idea. Apparently, his finger decided that it was a good idea.

 

 **To Josh:** _Ok, now?_

 

**From Josh:** _yeah_

His heart was still beating faster than normal as he looked over to his brother to check if he was sleeping, and he was. Carefully and as quiet as he could, he stepped out of the room and made his way down the stairs on his tiptoes. Before he went outside though, he looked in the mirror to check his appearance. His hair honestly looked like a mess and he hadn’t realized that he was still wearing his pyjamas: a blue T-shirt with some nerdy print on and a pair of red- and orange checked pyjama bottoms. He bit his lip as he contemplated if he should go back up again and change into something more proper or not. He decided not to as he ran his hand through his hair a few times to make it look as if he hadn’t just been rolling around in bed for hours and put his dark-blue training jacket and sandals on.

 

It was dark outside; only the streetlights were lightning up the street. Right there in the dark on the street in front of his house was a red car, which seemed to be pretty old considering the rust and discoloration, though it was hard to tell. Leaning onto it was a boy in the same age as himself with brown messy curls, eyes brown like mocha and – _wow that’s some nice biceps._ He couldn’t help but notice how good he was looking with that black tank top on which revealed his defined arms and broad shoulders, making Tyler’s stomach flutter.

 

_For God’s sake Tyler, you’re not making any sense. Josh is a guy?_

As soon Josh noticed him just standing there on the porch looking, he felt his face flush red. He hoped that it was dark enough for Josh to not notice. But he also seemed to not know what to do, as he was looking back at Tyler with his mouth slightly open. He looked nervous, just as he was himself.

 

Tyler shuffled a little on his spot as he mumbled and looked down at his feet. “Hi”

He was immediately regretting this. He then looked up again to see that Josh was also looking down, now with his hands in his jeans-pockets.

 

“Yeah hi”

 

Then their eyes met as Josh also looked up again. He chuckled and Tyler could see how a small smile was playing on his lips. He couldn’t help it, he shook his head as he grinned. It was annoying how powerful that smile was.

 

“So” Tyler began and cleared his throat, but Josh spoke up before Tyler even got a chance to continue.

 

“Want to go for a walk?”

 

They were looking at each other directly in the eyes, and even though it was dark, you could see in the mocha eyes that he was nervous _._ Tyler was a little surprised though, as he opened and closed his mouth again, _why couldn’t he just say what he wanted to say right here so this could be over?_ Tyler felt so uncomfortable, at the same time as it felt nice to see Josh’s face again, he just wanted this to be over with. This all was so stupid, he felt so dumb. But he really didn’t want to talk about it. This was something he never talked about because _why would I?_ There had never been a reason to, but now he was in a position where things were a bit different. He knew he would have to explain, which he really didn’t want to do.

But he couldn’t say no. For some reason he just couldn’t and instead nodded slowly as he answered.

 

“Okay”

 

Josh smiled and nodded his head to the side and at first, Tyler didn’t get it. But when he did he said ‘oh’ and walked up to him.

 

They began walking down the street in silence, just walking. Tyler just followed wherever Josh were taking them, not caring much; he was too tense and nervous for that.

 

Taking nightly walks wasn’t something he was uncommon with, it was something he had quite a lot of experience with actually. His parents would be mad if they knew but for now, they hopefully had no clue. Sometimes it felt good to do things you weren’t allowed to do, but only if you didn’t get caught. This was Tyler’s way of being this rebellious, walking under the stars and breathing in the fresh night air.

But tonight he wasn’t enjoying it as much as he usually did. But at the same time as he didn’t, he did. It was confusing.

 

After a while, they got to an old wooden bench next to a flickering streetlight. Josh sat down and sighed. It was actually a bit too warm out even though it was night so Tyler took off his jacket and tied it around his waist. He noticed Josh was watching him up and down with his dark eyes, which made Tyler feel a little uncomfortable for some reason.

 

“It’s warm”

 

“Yeah” Tyler pressed his lips together in a line and nodded as he sat down as well.

 

“Nice choice of clothes by the way”

 

Tyler snorted and immediately felt dumb for not changing. But really though, who had he to impress?

 

“Thanks” he said ironically. Once again, he just knew that Josh was smiling without even looking at him.

 

There was a tension between them, but certainly not a pleasant one. It felt weird and there were things unspoken between them that they both probably knew that they would have to talk about. The reason why Josh even wanted to hang out must’ve been that he wanted to talk about _it, but why doesn’t he say anything?_ Tyler didn’t want to bring it up himself so he kept quiet and tried to ignore the knot that was already forming in his stomach.

 

Something about the flickering streetlight next to them being the only source of light nearby made things feel slightly too intimate, like he and Josh were the only people alive and that they were the only thing that mattered. Tyler shuddered and began chewing on his lip, his leg bouncing up and down a little. He didn’t look at Josh so he just looked straight ahead instead, at the dark shadows of the large bushes and parked cars.

 

“Want one?” Tyler turned his head to Josh who were holding out a pack of cigarettes for him. Tyler frowned as his eyes wandered back and forth between the cigarettes and Josh’s face. When he realized he snorted.

 

“Oh no, I don’t smoke” He said and waved his hand dismissively “Do you smoke?”

 

Josh chuckled and lit one for himself as he bit down on his lip. Why that move made Tyler’s heart jump is a good question. “I hope you won’t hate me for it” he said as he took a drag of the death-stick, and then blew out a cloud of sheer smoke. Tyler now watched him closely and began coughing a little when the smoke got to his face. “Sorry”

 

“It’s chill” Tyler said and cleared his throat.

 

They continued sitting in silence for a moment as Josh continued making small clouds of smoke appear and then disappear into the air. Tyler looked over at Josh. He didn’t seem to notice so Tyler just looked. Inspecting his features. He learned that his nose was slightly crooked and that he had a little stubble growing on his jawline. _He should definitely try to grow it out a little._

 

Then he noticed how the soft look on the other boy’s face drained out and was replaced by a frown. “I’m actually very sorry about what happened last time” He was looking down at the ground and then looked up at Tyler. “I’m sorry”

 

Tyler looked away ahead of him again, avoiding eye contact. He felt embarrassed about both his creepy thoughts he had just a second earlier and about how big and problematic he must’ve made this mistake seem like. Sure, it didn’t feel good that Josh had read whatever he had read, but he also felt like a drama queen. It shouldn’t had mattered that much, but he himself had made it into that. And now they were sitting there and Josh were trying to apologize and Tyler could see it on him that he felt really bad. That made Tyler feel really bad as well.

Like whatever, Josh had read that thing now and there was no way he could undo that. But there were also the fact that he had involuntary opened himself up for him now, and he didn’t even know about what. _What had he read?_

 

“I know I shouldn’t have been snooping around, I was fucking stupid” Josh continued and took one more drag of his cigarette. “I’m so sorry and I hope you’ll forgive me”

 

Tyler looked back again at the boy and saw that he was watching him as well. His mocha eyes was boring into his also brown ones and Tyler could see that he actually felt very sorry. It felt weird though, as if he shouldn’t have been apologizing.  

 

“It’s okay”

 

Tyler’s words must’ve chocked Josh because he literally jumped and the cigarette almost fell out of his grip. Then they just looked at each other. Josh’s eyes must’ve been very dry since he never stopped blinking, and for some reason Tyler smiled at that.

 

“You sure?”

 

Tyler breathed out of his nose. If he was going to be real honest then no, it wasn’t okay. But something in the back of his mind told him to just forget it and move on and for some reason that ‘something’ won the debate. That didn’t happen very often.

He then bit his lip and looked down at the cigarette Josh held between his fingers, hesitating at first. His mother would’ve been so angry if she knew about this.

 

“Can I?” he asked and nodded his head at the cigarette. Josh frowned and looked down at it and then looked back up again.

 

“What, you said you didn’t smoke?”

 

Tyler grinned as he began chewing on his lip again. “How much can it hurt to try?”

 

Josh chuckled at that, still looking tense though, as he passed on the cigarette to Tyler’s fingers instead. “Sure”

 

The feeling of their fingers touching made Tyler’s heart speed up a little. It was silly, he knew, but this whole situation was silly anyways. But maybe ‘silly’ wasn’t really the right word for it.

First, he took a look at the thing. He had never smoked before so this was new to him. That was also proved by how much he coughed after taking his first drag when he had put it between his lips and inhaled. He was bending over and he heard how the boy next to him was laughing hysterically. He didn’t have time to think about how cute that sound was because he was trying not to die right then. His lungs were screaming.

 

“Man, you okay?” Josh said, still laughing a little as Tyler felt how he placed a hand on his back. He coughed one more time and then sat up straight again with a beet read face. His eyes were a little teary from the coughing so he wiped it off and then chuckled.

 

“I think so” he said and made Josh laugh one more time. Tyler had stopped in his tracks to just listen to the soft sound, coming from Josh. The corner of his eyes were crinkling and his white perfect row of teeth was showing. He couldn’t help but grin.

 

“Don’t worry though, it’s normal to react like that the first time” Josh said as he took the cigarette back and put it between his own lips.

 

“Isn’t it supposed to make you relax?”

 

“What? This?” Josh asked and made a gesture with the cigarette. Tyler nodded as Josh snorted. “This is just nicotine dude, it’s not _that_ effective. I think you’re mixing things up kid” He cocked his head at Tyler which made Tyler huff out a laugh.

 

“Hey I’m not stupid! You think I would’ve voluntary tried if it was marijuana?” Tyler’s cheeks were hurting from grinning so hard but it was difficult not to when those pretty ( _what the hell Tyler?_ ) laughs were pulled out of Josh over and over again. And it was once again, as the guy threw his head back in laughter.

 

“How cute, you say marijuana”

 

He felt himself blush which he hoped Josh didn’t notice since he was looking at Tyler now. Even in the dark, his brown eyes were so brown.

So he tried to cover it up. “Oh shut up, I’m at least saving those extra brain cells unlike you are”

 

Tyler smirked at his bad comeback as Josh raised his eyebrows and scoffed. “Fuck off teacher’s pet” he said and nudged at Tyler’s arm. Tyler was laughing now because of how offended Josh got. It felt good to be laughing; it made the weight in his chest slowly get lighter.

 

“Actually” he began when he had contained himself a little. He was contemplating whether it was a good idea to bring it up or not. Then he decided that it couldn’t hurt, he didn’t have to give out the details. “I almost failed last period”

 

“Come on, you didn’t”

 

“Well, I assumed that you already had figured out that I’m pretty messed up”

 

He took a breath and looked over at Josh, who was biting down on the tip of his tongue, as he seemed to be slightly out of words. Tyler immediately regretted that he had even opened his mouth when he saw that puzzled look appear again on the boy’s face. The rather nice tension they had started to build up was once again starting to shatter as it was replaced by something uneasy. When he saw that Josh wasn’t going to say anything he sighed as he rubbed the palms of his hands against his closed eyelids.

 

“Shi- I mean-“

 

“I know- or no I don’t fucking know, but I’m still _really_ sorry Tyler” Josh interrupted, sounding anxious again.

 

Tyler was gnawing on his lip very intensely and he knew he was going to draw blood if he didn’t stop soon. But he couldn’t care less.

 

“What did you read?”

 

Josh mouth opened and then closed again as if he was trying to form words, but Tyler waited intently. He figured that maybe everything would feel better if he knew something, because right then he was clueless. Or maybe it wouldn’t but yeah.

 

Josh rubbed his neck and sighed. “I… I don’t exactly remember but uh” he began and paused “It was… really good”

 

That wasn’t right. That was a complete lie. One that you use to save your ass in those situations where you want to avoid the actual problem.

But Tyler didn’t say anything. He instead gave his attention to the shadows from the bushes across the street. He knew what those texts were, and they weren’t good. There were nothing good about them, they were just scribbles written down on a paper. That poor paper, it had been so strong from holding all that weight, all that mess, all that shit coming from Tyler Robert Joseph’s brain. _Ugh_ , he hated that name.

 

“Tyler” Josh said and startled Tyler when he put a soft hand on his shoulder. Tyler snapped his head to Josh with wide eyes. At least that was what it felt like when it begun to burn a little. “I know we barely know each other and that you probably hate me but I just want you to know that I um… I mean, if you want to talk then I’m up to listen y’know”

 

Josh was blushing, but it fitted him. His warm hand was still holding his shoulder which for some reason felt good. But also scary. Once again it felt too intimate and he couldn’t stand it. He was too close, he needed space. It was too much and suddenly Tyler’s heart was racing as his breath heaved. Josh must’ve realized since he was frowning.

 

“Tyler?” It couldn’t happen here, not with Josh, no it couldn’t. _Keep it together._ “What’s up?”

 

He rose to his feet and began walking, just somewhere. He couldn’t do this, he needed to be somewhere else, somewhere where no one could judge him or make fun of him. He saw black as he went, he couldn’t see anything. Maybe he could but his brain told him the opposite. His brain told him a lot of things, but he couldn’t puzzle those things together. They didn’t want to hold hands.

 

Next thing he knew was that there was a pair of big arms tightly embracing his heaving body. Tyler was shaking. With tears? He didn’t know, but he couldn’t make it stop. The only thing he could do was to lean into the warm torso and listen to its own breaths. He tried following them as he felt a common smell of blossom, like the shampoo.

 

“It’s okay” Josh said and held him.

 

\---

 

Josh was wide-awake. All he did was to watch how the skinny boy with dark fluffy hair and plump lips was breathing slowly with closed eyelids in the unmade bed in his little cave in the basement. It was crazy how he could look so at peace and soft when he less than an hour ago had been… he didn’t even know. Josh felt so clueless, he didn’t know what to do. His instinct had been to bring him home, but not the home where Tyler’s bed was but to his own. Josh had never been in a situation quite like this before but he knew that the boy needed someone and the only option available right then was himself. So he gave him that and it must’ve helped in some way since the boy’s heavy breathing had slowed down and the crying had gotten more controllable.

 

If he had to be honest with himself, it hurt to see him like that. To see Tyler - the boy he had only known for a couple of days but what felt like an eternity – like that felt weird. Josh had no clue about what really happened even though he was there, and if something he had said had something to do with it. He had absolutely no clue, which was the cause of the own little knot of anxiety in his stomach.

 

He had chosen to let Tyler have the bed for himself. When they came home, Josh quietly went down to his room with his arm holding Tyler around his shoulders, not letting him go for a second. He wanted to be sure that he still was by his side, and he was. Totally quiet, sometimes bringing up a thin hand to his face. Josh guessed that the purpose of that was to wipe of the water from his eyes and he proved himself right when he carefully turned his head to look. Their eyes never met though because Tyler was looking down all the time.

Then when they had entered the basement, they kept quiet but in some way they understood each other anyways as Tyler went to the bed and laid down and Josh took the couch. Not long after that, he heard slow calm breaths from where the boy was laying which meant he had fallen asleep.

 

Now Josh was there on his couch, watching how the exhausted boy’s chest rose and fell as he listened to his soft breaths. It may was ridiculous but for some reason Josh felt a responsibility to take care of this boy and make sure that he was okay, so that’s why he stayed awake until his watch said the time was after 4am. He hadn’t really paid much attention to how tired he actually was so he finally laid down on the couch and wrapped himself up in a little blanket. His heavy eyelids fell shut as he, with a cramping shoulder fell asleep. The worry in his gut was still there all the time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi again!!
> 
> AHH I'm sosososo sorry for not posting for over two weeks!! But now I'm back and I hope y'all had an amazing holiday<33
> 
> Now let's start 2019 with some Joshler, how lovely


	8. Such a cliché

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tiny tw: a blunt mention of suicide

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the amount of dialogue in this chapter but I hope that's fine

When Tyler woke up the next morning, he rubbed his palms against his eyes before opening them and realized that he wasn’t waking up in his own bed and he definitely wasn’t in his and Zach’s bedroom. The confusion struck him but then he remembered when he took a glance over the room filled with posters and a drum set. And oh, there was also a recognizable brunette there who was currently occupied by his phone, all sprawled out on the couch.

 

_Shit, shit, shit._

 

“Good morning”

 

Tyler who had looked away now turned his head again in Josh’s direction, to be met with a warm smile. They were looking at each other and Tyler felt how the corners of his mouth were twitching.

 

“Good morning” Tyler said back, as he sat up in the bed and pulled back the covers. He then realized that his shoes and all of the other clothing he had worn yesterday was still on. Maybe it had been the right decision to choose pyjamas over properness after all. But his feet were really uncomfortable right then. “Ugh, how could I sleep with these on?”

 

There was a chuckle from Josh. “Don’t know dude, but you sure did”

 

It was pretty chilly in the basement – or Josh’s bedroom. It must’ve been because of the fan that was currently spinning around and making buzzing noises. He himself didn’t feel as chill though, he was internally freaking out. Josh’s must’ve realized that in some way though since he mentioned it next.

 

“You’re alright? Last night was a little… yeah you know”

 

Tyler bit his lip as he looked down on his hands. Ashamed was what he was. He did remember what happened and it was embarrassing if something. Nobody except for his parents had witnessed what Josh had been witnessing last night, and once again, he barely knew this guy! _Why is he continuously getting to see stuff I want to keep private?_

What freaked him out the most was that he couldn’t remember everything in detail. He did for sure remember everything that had happen before the breakdown but after that, things became a little blurry. But from experience, that wasn’t something new. _Did I cry? Please no._

“Yeah” he said, still looking down at his hands. “I’m sorry you had to see that”

 

There was a moment of silence before he heard rustling from across the room. He looked up and saw how Josh had got up from the couch. Tyler couldn’t help but think about his clothing, only a loose grey t-shirt and pair of boxers. Suddenly he felt a little warmer, which he didn’t want to know why. 

He then realized he was heading to the bed Tyler was currently sitting on.

 

“Can I?” Josh asked and pointed at the free space next to him. Tyler was _not_ going to freak out about this, like why would he? An almost half-naked boy sitting next to him on a bed? Nothing weird about that.

 

“Sure” Tyler answered and tried his best not to blush when the other boy’s knee touched his own clothed one as he sat down, but he absolutely failed. He tried to hide it by not looking at him.

 

“Want to talk about it?”

 

He already knew that question was coming. In all honesty, he just wanted to forget what had happened and move on, but he knew that wasn’t an option. Not in this case. And for some weird reason he felt like he could talk about this to Josh, really freaking weird.

 

So he nodded his head. “Okay”

 

There was another moment before Josh spoke again. “So what happened?”

 

He was gnawing on his lip again as he was considering his words. “It happens sometimes” he begun and looked up at Josh to see if he was listening. And he probably did since he was looking back at Tyler in wait of a response. “My therapist I once went to told me they were called panic or anxiety attacks, and the reason why I get them is…well” he took a breath and looked away again “All I know is that I freak out about something and uh… I guess that’s what happened”

 

He immediately felt like he had shared too much information and that Josh was judging him hard since he wasn’t saying anything at first. When he turned his head again he saw how Josh was also not looking at him anymore, he was picking on his nails. Tyler bit his lip and held his breath in wait of a response. 

 

“Was it because of what I said?” he then asked which made Tyler blink. He hadn’t given himself the exact thought _why_ he had freaked out, but when he now thought about it again he guessed that the answer would be kind of, yes. But he didn’t want to blame him since he seemed so worried.

 

“Uh no don’t worry” Josh looked up at him with raised eyebrows in disbelief, which made Tyler huff. “I mean, maybe a little, but really it’s _fine_ ”

 

He actually didn’t know if it was fine or not, which was really confusing. He hated himself for not just holding back last night because it was embarrassing and humiliating but at the same time, there was something in him that told him that there’s nothing to worry about. From what Tyler up to now had noted, Josh hadn’t been acting weird or as if he was uncomfortable. He had even let him sleep on his bed. He had made sure he was okay. Thinking about this warmed Tyler’s heart as he smiled to himself, even though the thought was scary. He noticed Josh was smiling too.

 

“So we’re good?”

 

Tyler laughed at that which made Josh grin so that his dimples were showing.

 

“No dude I hate you so fricking much”

 

“Oh my god, ‘ _fricking’_ ” Josh said with a teasing voice and mimicked Tyler. He was still grinning.

 

“Hey shut up” Tyler shoved the other’s arm playfully. “I’m a good christian” He added and grinned as well.

 

“You’re a christian?”

 

“Well yeah I am but uh…” he paused, thinking of what to say. “I may have some issues with that. Either God must hate me or else...yeah” Tyler said and chuckled a little awkwardly. For some reason he just couldn’t say the words aloud but he hoped that Josh understood what he meant.

 

Josh nodded and pouted. “That’s the reason why I differ myself from the rest of my family regarding faith" he began and took a breath. "they all are very christian and I’m absolutely not, not since I realized that He doesn't impact my life in a good way anyway. Like I'm still a stupid asscrack who does things I always regret"

 

He said that with a glint in his eye which made Tyler chuckle softly. That was what he would’ve guessed, Josh wasn’t a christian with those red gauges and ripped jeans. Well he wasn’t wearing those right then since he was still sitting very close to Tyler on his bed with nothing but a pair of boxers covering his lower body. But he was totally not focusing on that.

 

“I get that, I’ve thought a lot about it myself whether or not it’s even worth believing at all” he began and then rubbed his neck. “But sometimes my faith is very important for me to even like, y’know, move on.” _Shit now I said too much again._ He cleared his throat as he saw something in Josh’s eyes that made him feel a little uncomfortable again. “Sorry, that got deep, didn’t mean to”

 

“I’m not bothered, I _love_ some deep morning discussions”

 

Tyler smiled at Josh’s obvious joking tone and began picking on his nails. There was a silence again, but it wasn’t an awkward or an uncomfortable one, which made Tyler feel a little better about himself. That was weird though because there _should_ have been one and Josh _should_ have been more awkward about what Tyler had said than he was.

Tyler was definitely happier today than he had been for the last couple of days.

 

“Want breakfast?” Josh then said and turned his head to Tyler.

 

“Oh uh I’m okay, thanks” he answered a bit shyly. Josh then rolled his eyes.

 

“Okay so you’re having breakfast then, come on”

 

Tyler laughed as Josh stood up and gripped Tyler’s arm to make him get up as well. He couldn’t help himself but notice how firm his grip was around his wrist, but he shook that thought away as he was dragged upstairs and into the kitchen which looked almost the same as his own, besides Josh’s was more white and modern. Tyler sat down by the kitchen island as he watched how Josh was preparing with bowls and spoons.

 

“Are froot loops alright?” Josh asked and turned around with the box of cereal in his hand.

 

Tyler snorted. “Sure”

 

When Josh had joined him at the island, they started eating their cereal in silence. He looked over at Josh who was looking down at his phone as he was eating. Suddenly Tyler began to feel a little awkward since he was just sitting there and eating breakfast in someone else’s kitchen in total silence. He was supposed to say something or he felt a bit intruding.

 

“You’ve always lived here?” he then asked which made Josh look up from his phone again.

 

“My entire life, yeah. Kinda boring though, it must be fun with some changes once in a while”

 

He knew the last thing he said was directed to him.

 

“Yeah I guess” he began and then saw the look on Josh’s face. It was almost as if he regretted what he had said. _But why?_ “Like I wouldn’t have been sitting here in this kitchen if there hadn’t been a change”

 

Josh grinned. “What a lost that would’ve been”

 

Tyler grinned himself and looked down into his almost empty bowl. Then there was footsteps, which caught both of the boy’s attention. A middle-aged woman with a white robe came into the kitchen and looked very confused when he saw Tyler. He just smiled awkwardly and guessed that this was Josh’s mother.

 

“Good morning” she said as she looked back and forth between them. “Who’s this?”

 

“Oh uh he’s Tyler” Josh said and when Tyler looked over at him, he noticed he was blushing a little. Tyler smiled.

 

“Oh wait, as Kelly’s son? I met her in church and she told me about a son called Tyler, wasn’t you there as well?”

 

“Yes I was, didn’t see you though mrs. Dun” he answered with a polite voice. He heard a giggle from Josh.

 

Mrs. Dun chuckled. “Call me Laura” she said and joined them in the kitchen and leaned onto one of the counters, which apparently made Josh groan. He looked over at him and saw the glare he gave his mother. She noticed and glared back. “ _Joshua_ ”

 

Tyler grinned at them.

 

“Don’t you have work?” Josh asked with an annoyed voice.

 

“Honey my shift doesn’t start before 11” she said and smiled as she begun preparing a cup of coffee. Josh sighed and Tyler was still grinning. “How come you’re visiting us this early Tyler?”

 

“Uh well-” he side-eyed josh in ask for help and he noticed, so he sat up a little straighter and took over.

 

“He uh- he wanted to join me on my morning run so I invited him over for breakfast”

 

Tyler tried his best to hold in the laugh at Josh’s lie. He couldn’t tell if Laura believed him or not but she did look at them both with a suspicious face.

 

“Alright, maybe Tyler will be able to help you keep up with your exercise for once, we don’t want our handsome little boy to be unhealthy, right?”

 

“ _Mom_ ” Josh groaned again and Tyler couldn’t hold in the laugh now. Laura looked over at him and smiled.

 

“So what else are you boys up to today then?”

 

Tyler looked at Josh again and Josh looked back at him. “Um, nothing really” he answered her.

 

“Well Josh, maybe you could take him on a tour around the block, since he’s new here after all?”

 

“Uh yeah sure, wanna do that?”

 

“Sure, why not?” he said and smiled at Josh who smiled back.

 

“Okay, cool” Now they were just grinning at each other and Tyler couldn’t help but feel some sort of excitement from knowing he was going to spend more time with this guy. He was glad.

 

“Alright boys, I don’t want to interrupt you anymore now so I’m just gonna go and sit in the- oh who can that be?” she said and got interrupted by the sound of doorbell going off. “It’s probably just a seller or something”

 

“Man, she can be really annoying sometimes, just don’t bother” Josh said and sighed when his mother was out of the room. There was muffled voices from the hallway.

 

“Nah, I think she’s pretty cool” Josh snorted at that which made Tyler laugh.

 

“You can have her”

 

Tyler giggled and that’s when Laura came into the kitchen again with a frown on her face. “Tyler your dad is here asking for you”

 

 _Oh no._ “ _What_?” he just said and looked at Josh in panic. He seemed to be sharing Tyler’s emotions as he looked back at him with wide eyes. Now Tyler was fucked, screwed. His parents had noticed he was gone since hadn’t come back before they woke up. He felt so stupid, he had made up a decent plan that he totally had failed.

 

“Yes he asked if you stayed over here tonight.” She was still frowning as Tyler bit his lip.

 

“Oh uh no, I didn’t” he lied. “But I should probably go now so bye I guess” He silently got up from his chair and went out to the hallway without looking back, and there he was, Tyler’s dad with his arms crossed, standing by the doorframe. He looked tired and dissapointed.  _Shit._ “Hi dad” Tyler said quietly and looked down at his feet.

 

“Wait are you leaving already dear? What about the training?” Laura asked when she followed Tyler into the hallway. _Okay maybe she wasn’t so cool._

 

“Training?” Tyler’s dad asked and frowned at Tyler. He was full on internally panicking now as his heart-rate was speeding up.

 

“Yeah, no, we um-“ he stuttered and was cut off.

 

“Ty put on your shoes, mom and I need to have a chat with you” he said and gave Tyler a stern look. “Thank you Laura, goodbye”

 

He did as his dad told him and waved and awkward goodbye before he walked out of the door after him. Josh was still in the kitchen so he didn’t get a chance to give him a last look before they left.

 

None of them said anything on the very short walk home. They entered the house in silence but as soon as the door was closed behind him, he heard his mom shout from the kitchen. “Did you find him?”

 

“Yes, apparently he was at the Dun’s for a _work out session_ with their son” he answered her with an ironic voice, making Tyler feel small. His mom then came into the hallway and rushed to Tyler when she saw him standing there with his pyjamas and training jacket on. She hugged him tightly which startled him.

 

“Oh my God baby, we were so worried about you!” she said as she let go of him. “You can’t just leave without saying anything! I thought maybe-“ She cut herself off with a sob and hugged her son again. Tyler was a little shocked but at the same time, he understood why she acted like that. Now he felt bad for making her worry, it was his fault that she was now silently crying into his chest. But he also realized what she had meant before cutting herself off in mid sentence. Something began to boil inside of him, some sort of anger. _How could she say that?_ He was okay, he was stable and he could control himself. His therapist had told him he was well now and that he would be fine on his own. _It_ wouldn’t happen again, that was a long time ago.

So he pushed her off himself which she probably wasn’t prepared for since she looked so shocked. But Tyler didn’t care.

 

“Are you serious mom!?” he may acted a bit dramatic but he still didn’t care. “Did you think I’d really- “

 

“Tyler, don’t yell at your mother” his dad interrupted him with a loud voice. “We were just worried! It’s absolutely not as you think”

 

He knew he was lying. That’s what they’d been doing for the last few years, lying and talking behind Tyler’s back. They thought he had no clue but he knew, he always knew. This made him even angrier as he pushed past both of them and headed to the staircase. He saw in the corner of his eye how his siblings were sitting around the dining table in the dining room in silence, watching the situation from a distance. He didn’t care about that either though.

 

“Tyler! Stay right here, we still want to talk!” his dad shouted after him. Tyler turned around and watched his parents. His mom was looking down at her feet and his dad looked furious. “You can’t go out without telling us, don’t you understand? You were just gone in the morning and we couldn’t reach you, not even on your phone!”

 

“Maybe I didn’t want you to reach me” he spit back. That wasn’t entirely through, the only reason why he had left his phone at home was that he forgot it. But he didn’t want to lose the argument.

 

“Exactly, _this_ is why we were worried for you Tyler! We had no idea where you was or what you were doing!” his dad explained, all frustrated.

 

First, Tyler clenched his jaw. He looked back and forth between his parents and then licked his lips. “Want to know what I did?” he then asked with a lump in his throat. _No, no, no, you can’t cry now_. “Josh asked me last night if I was sleeping and I wasn’t because I never _fucking_ sleep, so we decided to hang out and he apologized for hurting me, he _apologized_! And he’s like the coolest guy I’ve ever met because he apologized for what he did! And have you apologized for anything yet? No I don’t _fucking_ think so”

 

His voice cracked at one point but he didn’t let it fail him. He was breathing heavily through his nostrils as adrenaline was pumping through his veins. He wasn’t even sure about what he had just said but it must’ve gotten to them because they both looked shocked.

 

“Tyler…” his mother began. She looked hurt, which made his chest stung a little. But then his dad continued for her.

 

“We’re not expected to apologize for anything, we’re the ones who’ve raised you and made sure that you’re strong and healthy and if you can’t accept that, then…” he ended his sentence with a hand gesture.

 

Tyler snorted. “Yeah because I am so _strong_ and _healthy_ , thank you dad for making sure that I’m not fucking killing myself”

 

Tyler felt how his eyes were watering so he turned around again and ran up the stairs. He heard his mother’s muffled sniffles and how his dad yelled ‘We do not swear in this house, is that understood!?’ after him.

 

He slammed the bedroom door behind him and sat down on his bed. The tears had already started to pour down his cheeks and he did no attempt to wipe them off. That wouldn’t do any good anyways since new ones only appeared right after. He wasn’t sobbing though, he just sat there and blankly stared out in front of him as the tears ran down.

The knot in his stomach was really tight and it hurt. This had been too much since he knew deep down that he wasn’t this strong, he couldn’t handle situations like these. He had proved himself wrong, he wasn’t at all okay, or stable and he had absolutely no control over himself. He hadn’t meant to be this harsh, but it all just snapped. He knew that his parents were good people but sometimes they were too much. Or maybe it was Tyler who was too much.

 

 

The hours slowly flew by, and Tyler spent them all inside the bedroom. He had no reason to go outside and he really didn’t want to face his parents again. The time was already 6 in the evening and he was just lying on his bed, playing some mobile game. Zach did occasionally peek in, snatching something from the desk that he needed and then leaving Tyler alone again. Nobody had come up to check on him or something, they all just seemed to live on as usual. This made him a little frustrated though, how could they all just move on and forget everything while he was still up and hiding in his room, moping over something that happened hours ago. He was still not fine and he was still offended from his parents assuming things about him. He couldn’t even be out with a friend without them assuming he was off doing something bad to himself. Well, it may was stupid of him to not tell anyone, but every other kid in his age did this all the time, _right_?

 

He had now put his phone down so that it was laying on his chest. The ceiling over his bed was something he was quite often looking at. That’s how it turns out when you have absolutely nothing to do. What he also did was thinking and for some reason his thoughts at some point ended up with the face of the boy who had cared for him last night. He had been there for him and Tyler hadn’t thought about it yet but how much he actually had been needing that, even though it was Josh himself who practically had caused all the bad stuff in between to happen. Or was there even anything bad that had happened? Maybe everything that had happened, happened for a reason, and maybe it was for something good. The thought made him feel a little more at ease.

 

Then he remembered the conversation they had had earlier today, they had plans. They were supposed to hang out today and Tyler had totally forgotten. He checked his phone again and saw there was no sign of Josh wanting to contact him. He sighed, _maybe he changed his mind after the commotion this morning._

 

Tyler jerked back when the bedroom door opened and Zach peeked his head in again.

 

“Dad wanted me to tell you that dinner is ready”

 

“Not hungry” Tyler said with a monotonous voice and picked up his phone. That was a lie though since he actually was really hungry, but once again - he didn’t want to face his parents right then. He noticed that Zach wasn’t leaving yet so he looked at him and gave him a questioning glare. “What?”

 

He sighed. “Nobody’s angry at you if that’s what you think”

 

Tyler rolled his eyes and snorted. “Yeah sure, tell him that I’m asleep”

 

His brother nodded and then closed the door again. He was not going to deal with his parents right then, he needed more time.

 

 

About an hour of boredom later, there was a knock on the window. He jumped, startled by the sudden sound. His phone had died a while ago now and he had no energy in his body to reach for his charger, so he was currently occupied with some boring book he must’ve re-read a couple of times now. He was alone in the absolute quiet room but the sudden knock interrupted it. He frowned but then decided to let it go as he continued reading the book. It was probably just a branch from the tree outside, maybe it was a bit windy.

But then he heard it again, and this time he closed the book and got up from the bed to figure out what had caused the sound. It now sounded like a little rock or something had been thrown. He looked out of the window. It wasn’t dark out yet, the sun was still there though it hung low on the sky. Soon enough it would start to set and the thought made him shiver, the thought of the pink and orange sunset. But what he also saw was a boy in his age with brown curly hair and mocha eyes. Tyler smiled and when Josh noticed him, he smiled as well and waved.

 

Tyler opened his window and chuckled. “Wasn’t that very cliché of you?”

 

Josh, who was standing on the grass in the front garden, shrugged with a wide smile on his lips. “Maybe, but you weren’t answering on the phone”

 

“Sorry it’s out of charge. But you know that I have a front door that you could’ve knocked on as any normal person would’ve done?” he said teasingly with a raised eyebrow.

 

“Well shit, guess I’m not that normal then”

 

Tyler laughed and shook his head in disbelief. _This guy._ “What are you even doing here?”

 

“Just wanted to know if you still want that tour my mom made me offer you”

 

Tyler snorted as he leaned down on his elbows onto the window frame. “I wish but I’m pretty sure that my parents won’t let me go out”

 

“Do it anyways” Josh said and grinned.

 

“Man, if they see me, they will kill me, I promise you”

 

“Well” Josh began and bit his lip. “They don't have to see you”

 

“What do you mean?” Tyler asked and frowned. “There’s no way they won’t notice me if I go downstairs” Josh then smirked which made Tyler very suspicious. _What was he planning?_

 

“Jump or climb, it’s not that far up! I think you could make it”

 

Tyler blinked and looked at Josh as if he hadn’t heard that correctly. He looked down too check how far up he was and _no, there’s no way I can jump from here._ “Are you kidding? If I jump, I will break both of my ankles and I do not want to risk that”

 

Josh laughed at how incredulous Tyler looked. “Then climb, I’ll catch you if you fall”

 

Tyler snorted again. This was ridiculous. “You're such a cliché, did you know that?”

 

“I think you’ve told me that already” Josh was grinning again. “Are you coming or not?”

 

As he rolled his eyes, Tyler looked around outside of the window to check if there was any way for him to climb down in a way that wouldn’t lead to death. Then he noticed that if he could stretch his legs enough, he would be able to reach the garage roof and then from there he would probably be able to jump without breaking any bones. He hesitated - he knew that if his parents would notice him gone again, he would be _so_ screwed. _But honestly, screw them, right_?

 He made it to the roof which resulted in a cheer of applauses from Josh. Tyler rolled his eyes at him again and then jumped down from the roof and landed on his feet with bent knees. Pain shot through his ankles so he sat down on his butt on the grass. Josh was laughing as he headed over to Tyler and hunched down in front of him.

Maybe he had realized this earlier but now it really hit him when he was this up-close. Josh, the boy with the curly hair and mocha eyes was _really attractive._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading!!
> 
> This chapter was kind of a mess and not that good but I still enjoyed writing it, although I got a little emotional oops
> 
> Stay tuned for the next update! I don't think I will have much time writing during the next two weeks, but I'll try my best, I promise! I'm really excited about continuing this story :p

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked this! I already have a lot of ideas where this story is going to go so I hope you want to continue reading when I upload more :)
> 
> Leave kudos and maybe a comment if you're kind <333
> 
> (and I'm sorry for my bad grammar, english is not my native language so please bear with me hahah)


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